It's OK. There are a lot of little things I guess. When I graduated high school there were two main things I wanted to do: go to college and travel. Seems pretty straightforward, right? I went to college, two actually: the first was a very prestigious place, and probably one of the best in its field; the second was just my local university. Neither of these worked out like I would have hoped. In the end I had to drop out after a friendly visit from the police at 1 in the morning and a month stay in a psych ward.

So, OK, that was a disaster. So I thought maybe travel would be better. I signed up for a foreign exchange program. Well... it's not really working out either. Another disaster.

And then I think, what else did I ever really want to do? I'm not really interested in the marriage/dating/kids idea at all. Mostly I really wanted to go to school and work and be independent. But if I can't even get a degree then obviously that isn't going to happen.

But the epiphany happened a little later. It's stupid, actually. I use my eating disorder as a crutch during hard times so even though I won't actually accomplish anything significant or important, at least I'll be thin someday. It's something, maybe people would actually be friends with me since, you know, no one wants to be friends with a fat, ugly monster like me. But, haha, I kind of figured out that being bulimic doesn't actually equal being thin, and I've been doing this stupid eating disorder for eight years and have never been thin, so why would this year be any different?

So even my really unhealthy, fake, delusional hope is gone. I can't even do the whole eating disorder thing right. It's pretty sad.

I apologize for the little pity party there, and the length too. I feel like I've seen enough of life and don't really feel like sticking around for more. The problem isn't that I've never experienced the things I wanted to do; the problem is that I'm never happy, no matter what I'm doing. I've kind of run out of things to try at this point...