It has been awhile since I've been here. But I really think I need someone to talk to. I spoke with my therapist on Monday about how I have been feeling and we are leaning toward hospitalization or PHP at the least. I see my pdoc on Monday so we will see what he says. So what has been going on? Rage. Pure rage. I hate the world. I have thoughts that I am better than everyone. I don't care if I hurt people's feelings. You know why? Because I am hurting so much inside. I just want others to understand for once how I feel. The voices in my head are becoming harder to distinguish between reality and fiction. Thoughts of hurting myself have increased. Do I want to die? NO! I just want physical pain so that I can take away the emotional/mental pain. This BP 1 with psychotic features sucks. I know there are others who are in worse positions than me, but at the moment I don't care. All I care about is me. Is that too selfish? Again, if it is I don't really care. I am so confused. It's like I have two people in me. On one hand, I have the rational side telling me that everything is going to be okay. And on the other hand, I have the irrational side saying screw you because I am not going to be ok. Part of my problem is that I have too much alone time. I get stuck in my head and that's when the voices and hallucinations are at their best. I also feel invincible. I am on top of the bloomin' world. Yet I am being pulled down by some invisible force. I feel it yanking at my arms. I see these shadows pulling at me. I fight back because I am invincible, but sometimes it doesn't work. I get pulled into the blackness and it suddenly explodes into a bright red color. The color of rage and I become enraged at the myself for letting the shadows have so much control over me. I want to hit something hard. I want to hit so hard that I break my hand. Or I want to cut to relieve the emotional pain. I know. I've said some pretty dark things but I won't take my life. I must exist in this living hell. My whole body exudes rage. My muscles are taut. My jaw is clenched. My hands are balled in fists. My lips are pursed. My brow is furrowed. I feel like a time bomb ready to go off or a spring ready to be sprung. I feel so alone in my illness. No, I don't go to any type of group therapy. There isn't one in my area for Bipolar. And computer contact is not the same as human contact and that is what I need. I need the humanness of people. It's time, isn't it. It's time to seek a higher level of care where I can be monitored between 8 to 24 hours a day. Thanks for reading, whoever read this. You have helped me make a very tough decision.

Again, thanks.