Quote:
Originally Posted by Alishia88
I have been in therapy for some time but we havenīt much talked about this stuff I know I really NEED to talk about but also kind of donīt really want to talk about.
I find myself wanting my T to ask me about it so I donīt have to start talking about it myself, because it is too difficult.
Also, I am scared that when we do start talking about it, Iīll talk about it but somehow it wonīt help and I still wonīt really BELIEVE that this is me and my life Iīm talking about, just making it more easier to talk about it in a detached manner.
Itīs like talking about a dream. Iīm also scared that my T will react in a way that doesnīt feel right to me but I am to confused myself to tell how it is REALLY like.
I forget about it a lot too but then when it resurfaces, it is like I can see everything so clearly and I can see that if it really was conscious and UNDERSTOOD what happened there, Iīd feel a lot more free and whole and at peace with the world and myself. At least I hope so.
I have read a lot about trauma.
And I do feel, as I have read, that just speaking it out loud and in detail, will make me believe it more. And I do know and can feel that THIS is REALLY what I need.
To make it real. to make it FEEL real and a part of me.
I think it will make me feel less crazy and more normal and more like myself.
In my last session we came to the point where I said: i kind of really donīt want to go into that. or look at that.
I started a little and my therapist cut right in and suggested a more positive outcome. LIke, what would I have needed to make it better and make me try to picture that.
She put a more postive and less frightening picture into my mind, next to what actually happened.
Or not. I am confused. Because to me, it happened so differently and so much more horrifieng. And now I am confused. Was it really not so bad as I think it was??
Was it just me that experienced it that way?
Also, I felt like the way my T reacted, she minimized what happened to me.
Like she thought it wasnīt so bad.
This confuses me. Because to me, of course, it was truely terrifying. But I am so uncertain of reality anyway.
So it makes me feel even more CRAZY when someone says it was less horrible or indicates something like that. That it was "normal" or that she had other patients that dealt easily.
I read to this in a book:
"As the therapist listens, she must constantly remind herself to make no assumptions about either the facts or the meaning of ht trauma to the patient. If she fails to ask detailed questions, she risks superimposing her own feelings and her own interpretiation onto the patientīs story. What seems like a minor detail to the therapist may be the most imortant aspect of the story to the patient."
Also, this alternative pictures, confuse me, it confuses my reality of what really happened. And although I really donīt know if I can, without falling apart, just speaking the truth, I feel that this is what I have to do, instead of "changing" the past, which is what weīre doing a little.
It says in the book:
" Janet sometimes attempted in his work with hysterical patients to erase traumatic memories or even to alte their content with aid of hypnsis... It is understandable for both patient and therapist to wish for a magic transformation, a purging of the evil of the trauma.
Psychotherapy, however, does not get rid of the trauma. The goal of recounting the trauma story is integration, not exocism. In the process of reconstruction, the trauma story does undergo a tranformation, but only in the sense of becoming more present and more real. The funndamental premise the psychotherapeutic work is a belief in the restorative power of truth-telling."
I have to say that my therapist is not a trauma specialist but on eating disorders.
But she can use Emdr.
Also, she likes to talk a lot herself too. Maybe 50 percent of the time, she talks, this is her approuch. With this though I think I need to talk a lot without being interrupted.
Is this "technique" with jumping in and asking what would have made it better verified?
Do you know it?
What do you think?
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one thing you may need to know is that therapy and therapists and clients problems are not always like what you find in a book. just because a book says a therapist must be this way, or most do that doesnt mean that therapist does things this or that way. what you find in books is just what the author feels is best not what our individual therapists feel is best for how ever they do their jobs.
here in america treatment providers have broad guidelines but they dont necessarily have to follow one that so cut and dry it says make no assumptions....therapists many times make judgements/assumptions based on what the clients body language, words, tone....all kinds of things
example yesterday my therapist and I were talking my tone of voice was light but my body language was tight, stiff... does the therapist go according to her assumption/judgement of my words and come up with the feedback of telling me "so you are having a good day" or does she go according to my body language and make the assumption/judgement of "so your day isnt going so well today is it" My therapist chose the second assumption/judgement and was correct in doing so.
according to the book you had found my therapist should not have done either one and then what? Im sitting there receiving no feedback from my therapist. I dont know very many people who like having a therapist that gives no feedback, just sits back not saying anything because they are not supposed to make any judgments/assumptions and I know only a few people that like having a therapist that will just throw back at the client nit picking about how they are sitting, what their tone is, what their words are saying...
that said I have found whats best for me and my therapist/me and my clients is to not worry about what I find in books. the books are not me and my therapist and the books are not me and my clients. Id rather do whats right for me and how I feel and do whats right for what my clients are feeling.
what Im getting at is you feel how ever you feel and you need what ever you need from your therapist.. dont worry so much about how this book says things should be done this way and that book says that way.. just contact your treatment provider and the two of you can work out what the best process for you is.
another suggestion...if reading mental health books causes you this much confusion for you then maybe its time to put away the books for a bit until you are ready again to read them without them affecting you to this extreme. I take many breaks from reading books and it helps in clearing up the confusion and gets me back to focusing on me and my feelings and not worrying about being perfect, or doing the process perfectly.