Thanks guys, sorry for taking so long to respond.

Big Mama, I also thought about this taboo and that’s partially what made me feel confused. Anyway, Hakim and I haven’t really approached the subject in quite a while, so there haven’t really been any new developments with him. It’s not being unmarried that concerns me, but not finding love or being separated from someone I love is. Not because I want to “fit in”, but because it’s what I want. I want to feel complete and I want to find the person I want to spend my life with.

Harley, I agree with you; I feel I do need to get over Yousef first so if or when I am in another relationship, I can focus on him completely and not on my past. The catch is, I don’t know how. With Yousef being my first love, this is my first real heartbreak and I have no idea how to heal or get over him. I thought maybe it would go away on its own; just fade like a mist or something. But it didn’t. I thought I would be over him by now, but I’m not. I’ve been told by others that I should hate him for the choice he made, but I can’t. I can’t forget him, I can’t get over him, I can’t hate him, nothing. I feel like I should be over him by now, but it won’t subside, even after how long it’s been. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever heal or gain any closure at all.

I wish I could tell my parents about my love interests, but considering the myths and misconceptions being spread in the media and the fact that that’s all they see, they won’t trust anyone from there unless they meet them in person first. So knowing my family, for my own sake, I can’t tell them I’m interested in someone abroad until he’s here.

I have a few new updates; some good news and some news I don’t know how to feel about.

The good news, Hussain and I are exploring the possibility of him coming here on a student visa. I sent an email to my school requesting information on being an international student, provided both of our emails, and got a response back. Next, he'll talk with a friend of his for advice on how to get the process going with what we have and what we may need.

The other news, I don’t know what I should feel, but it made me feel very sad for most of the day. I found out that Yousef now has a newborn son. Yes, I know I should be happy for him and all that, but I still can’t help but feel sad from it. Yes, I know the door to him is now long closed and locked, but I still feel a strong bond to him and can’t help but think that at a time, I could have been the mother of his child, not someone else.

How can I heal from this pain and move on with my life?

PS Harley - "ya rab" is Arabic, meaning "oh lord".