a bad fight with Bruce today. I was so scared that he was not going to get some money someone owed him; it is going to affect us a great deal---our living situation. He was arguing with someone on the phone and I finally yelled out, "Take the money! We need it now; your pride will get in the way now!" (long story)

He shook his finger at me and shouted, "Shut the ((( up, Carol! I can't ever have a conversation with anyone as long as I am dealing with you!!!!"

Oh, I messed up again!

Then he talked to my mentor; my mentor came to me and told me a terrible truth: Bruce really actually does not want me for a friend. He could not tell me for a long time. Bruce had been keeping this from me forever.

I should not be so devastated. I knew for a long time. I just knew as I had known that my aunt had not wanted me when she was raising me.

The signs.

He was putting on an act! Bruce was feeling sorry for me and did not want to put me on the street and also he could not afford a place by himself.

And like many pwbpd's I still can't connect with ppl. So I still cannot make any new friends except Ani. Not yet.

I don't know if that's going to ever happen.

If ppl hate you already no matter how hard you try to deal, how can you even try after a while?!

I did not run; I went to the meeting today, but had NO connecting at all with anyone. I was so broken up and I could not burden yet some other ppl wtih my problems.

I dont' know what's wrong with me or what everyones' secret is.

I just can't fit in.

I am so lonely.

My mentor is not giving up on me, but I feel like giving up on me.

I still feel like all I do is cause grief and be a burden.

I am safe tonight.

Carol