When I try to sleep, I can't help starting to cry. It is hard to stop it and relax to get to sleep. Thinking of death (not plans or intentions, just the inevitable eventuality) is the most soothing thing I can think of, or sometimes just a geometric shape, turning it over in my mind visually.

I go through the day, and I have to choke back tears and sobs that overcome me as I do my schoolwork or move from place to place, even sitting in class. A couple of weeks ago it got really bad and a few people asked me if I was okay. I often cry in prof's offices.

Yes, I feel sorry for myself often. Yes, I feel I've had a tough life. But the worst thing is I just don't know how to go on, how to improve things, how to make life feel worthwhile. I try not to dwell in the past, keep exercising and eating well, and do my best at school. (Mature student here - working on my second degree, in a completely different field than the first.) I do these things, but I enjoy them less than ever. Today's workout happened only because the husband wanted it and I forced myself. It helped a little, but . . . it all seems so pointless.

I wish I knew what to do, how to go on. Life has never made sense to me.

I have never been able to make friends. I tried many things, and I still try to be nice to my classmates, but I'm just a clueless idiot with people. And the world is made of people, so I have had one epic fail after another. I cringe when I get home from all my stupid interactions with people. And then I cry. So much crying. Wasted life.

I wish I knew what to do.

I'm so tired of all this.