I really hate complaining and making things about me. But I'm sick and depressed. And who knows what the future holds.

So here it goes. I'm letting it all out. And I mean all of it.

If you want you can just read one of the numbers instead of all of it. I write a lot. Sorry

1. people don't get that you can look at me and see a strong, brave, loving little girl, who wouldn't hurt a fly. But if you knew me, you would know that people aren't always how they appear. I'm broken, beaten, abuse, torn, used, shattered, hopeless, alone, dead. I have been strong and brave for so long I'm ready to give up, surrender.

2. I've had to grow up and be strong for everybody. I've had to grow up and make choices. And when one of my parents decides to do their job, they don't like the decision I made. So while they're fighting and screaming down stairs, I've had to grow up and plan my future alone. I've had to take care of them. Listen to my mother's problems. Or make dinner for my father. Or take care of my father when he broke his arm. I've had to be the parent when they were acting like children. So when they decide for a day that they want to be the parent, I get in trouble for taking care of things. I can't seem to will.

3. It doesn't help that I was raped. Once in November and again in December. And my parents and therapist blame me for what he did. I know it wasn't my fault. But I still have to take the consequences.
They moved me to a new school and took away all communications to my friends that I have known for 14 years. They put me in this school for "troubled" kids. Like drop outs and flunkies. I'm an honor student who technically be in college already, at 14. So this is my nightmare. I have no friends. It gets very lonely. The only people I talk to are on PC.

4. Not only is my mental health going... My physical health is bad too. So many things are going on. I'm still waiting for results from the doctor, but it doesn't look good. Possibly kidney failure. Or type 1 diabetes. Or something else bad. It's the worse pain Ive ever felt. It gets so bad I almost pass out. I just want to die so the pain will stop. But I know I can't give up until my body gives up.

And that's just the physical pain and suffering. I also have to deal with another personality or two. And I have to resist the urge to cut myself. Plus the suicidal tendencies. And depression and PTSD. Then the nightmares and eating issues. I'm just a mess.

5. It doesn't help that when I get really really mad, I blow up. My other personality takes over and she is mean! She got me beaten by my own father. I had bruises for weeks. And I'm still traumatized. I keep getting flashbacks from that night. Him hitting and beating me with my mother and older sister watching. I can still hear him yelling and I can hear myself screaming for my life. I remember everything like it was happening right now. I still don't like to be touched AT ALL. And I'm terrified of men.

6. I just want to know what I did wrong to deserve all of this. I'm so confused.

7. And I'm a curse to everyone around me. My mother broke her toe, my father broke his arm, my bestfriend's dad has cancer, my other great friend's dad sawed off three fingers, a old friend just died in a car ascendent, my dog died, my other pet is about to die, my cheer lil sis is being bullied, my favorite teacher was fired, my cousin's rabbit died, my BESTEST friend was arrested and put in a mental hospital for a week, and even more...

I feel like all of this is my fault. I have such bad luck. I'm cursed or something. I feel like Job from the Bible.

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A lot of people here on PC have helped and encouraged me. But one person In particular has felt like a mother to me. Big Mama. she has loved and Encouraged me. Like the mother I've always wanted. I know nobody could replace my birth mother... But Big Mama has really made a difference. And I just wanted to thank her

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~If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord, my soul to take.~
~And if I live to see the day, the Lord my Savior is here to stay~