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Old Feb 08, 2013, 09:24 AM
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archipelago archipelago is offline
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,773
I've been able to calm down considerably as my therapist said would happen. The triggering is over, and though I feel nervous about what will happen, I'm trying to return to my normal routine.

In addition, I'm actually making appointments with faculty that I already know to get advice. They might hear about this anyway so I want to make sure they hear my side first. But I also want to show that I'm trying to be responsible by seeking out consultation. It's taking a lot of inner courage that I don't exactly feel like I have to approach people that have a good impression of me and potentially ruin that with this information, but I don't like pretending nothing is going on either. I hope that a face to face meeting individually with each of them will show their more understanding and humane sides. No one has talked about this in "punishment" terms; they don't seem to see what I did as "bad behavior" in that sense. Rather they see it as a psychological problem that I need help with. The thing is that there was only a short window in which I was triggered and an even shorter period when I was under the influence of Ambien so I have some difficulty seeing why they see this as a longer term issue, but I guess institutions that involve work with outside clients need to be extra careful. They imagined that if I could write such a note without knowing it to a friend at school, I could have acted that way toward a client, which seems to me only based on a fantasy of the worst possible situation and a judgement of my character, not based on any knowledge of what I'm actually like or how I have performed and been professional up to this point. The people I had to meet with so far were complete strangers who didn't know anything about me. The people that I have chosen to get some advice from know me a little bit better and I hope will be more inclined to try to understand and help me going into the future.

Still the bottom line is that this is private and even the email I consider private so I feel forced to talk about personal matters that I don't think I should have to talk about. I chose the path of being open to show a willingness to confront the issues and cooperate, but since then I've developed more of a sense that it isn't really good for me to talk about such personal things with people who don't know me. I don't really know how to manage this dilemma so I've decided to go ahead and try to trust some faculty to get their opinions though I'm still not sure that this is the right approach.
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