I'm sorry things are so overwhelming. These feelings will pass. When I used to get that way and I didn't want to SI I would make myself cry and then try to sleep. I never found any SI alternatives that work, but for some reason crying helped me, then sleeping prevented me from hurting myself. I stay strong and don't do it for my partner. I know how much it hurts her to see me suffer. SI doesn't physically hurt me that much, but their reaction to it is devastating. I hope you stay strong. I also found being around someone helped. I wouldn't SI if people where around.