My analyst is prepared to write that he doesn't think this incident has any bearing on my abilities as a clinician and also that it was completely out of character due to the Ambien, which he has plenty of experience with causing strange behaviors. He has been in practice for more than 30 years and since he is board certified in psychopharmacology, unlike the psychologists at my school, his opinion is more expert than theirs.

Perhaps when they have a better sense of the actual facts in context they will not require that much more of me, but somehow I think I need to be prepared in case they blow this up into a big deal, which is what has happened so far but they didn't really listen to me in the first go around. If that is repeated, I will feel badly treated. It already feels unfair, getting judged based on one email instead of being taken as a whole person who has performed in exemplary ways. What I did on Ambien shouldn't be used to judge my character or clinical skills. If they want true evidence of that, they should look elsewhere, but I am not finding that to be the case so far. I also think there is a bias going on that I'm not sure I should bring up. The sexual content of the email is not heterosexual; it is queer and a little on the kinky side so I believe that it is creating a stronger reaction than if it were more "normal" sexuality. Part of the email describes watching a film that has a transsexual in it. Yes, it is pornography and so not appropriate, but it's not like people don't watch pornography ever or talk about it with others. I didn't make any sexual advances or remarks toward the friend, just reported watching this film and went on to discuss other things. I still believe this has nothing to do with my abilities as a clinician. I have worked with traumatized clients and never gotten triggered before. It is a bit of a leap to assume that I would always and forever be triggered and write things like this to a client. I don't think this is a well-reasoned or fair position to hold; it's based on more of gut level reaction by people who only have this one thing about me to go on.