Thank you WhosWho, I think you understand what Im trying to say pretty well. One of the hardest things about depression for me is explaining myself. I know a lot of words but getting them all into the proper places is hard for me. Its like I have a mind stutter instead of a speech stutter. I hope my post hasnt offended anyone. That is the absolute opposite of what Im trying to do.

My jobs have almost all been customer service oriented and trying to look happy all the time wore me out. People wanted the perfect kind of help that I just couldnt give no matter how hard I tried and it was hell forcing that smile to avoid hearing cheer up kind of statements so I know how hard it is to hear. But I know too that if I hadnt heard it, I wouldnt have tried to do it. Im seriously confused about not wanting to feel better. I know there are times we have to be with our feelings. Our felings suck. Even a moment there is too much for me.

It hurts a lot if anyone thinks Im lying about things getting better. Im attaching a disclaimer because whats true for some isnt true for all. I just know I believe for myself, have to believe it, want to believe it. Without it then I feel like the ones who feel no hope. Its the one thing I cant let myself let go of. And I understand not wanting false hope. I never did either. Its really hard feeling that Im not believed.

Yeah, youre right, cliches wear out, its hard to be understood on the internet. I love the non cliche talk here, that is forth right and frank and honest, but with just the right amount of kindness.

You didnt ramble on. Every word you wrote is write on target. Thanks for taking time .