The last two days have been hell. I am incredibly depressed. There have been some things I have done that I thought would help but they backfired.

On Monday I saw a Medium/psychic that I was personally told was the real deal ??? He had me close my eyes and scribbled a bunch of letters on a piece of paper.
Most of the letters matched to someone in the family. He could have gotten this from Jason's obit or genealogy. He said to me did you know Jason was suicidal.
I said no. Depressed some but not suicidal. He said he keeps laughing that you are here. That is not Jason. He told me a lot the only thing that made me think he could be really was he knew Jason's nickname for me. But he could of got this on Facebook.

I keep thinking about the whole thing and instead of feeling better I feel much worse. Did I miss the fact that he was suicidal ?

The group I started only has one person coming to the next meeting.
My PDOC has not talked to me in a month.
I fired the grief counselor who kept telling me how high a chance there was that
I was going to kill myself.

I have huge guilt about when I got sick in my late 30's and Jason was around 9.
No matter what my husband says I know how much this affected him.
I really think I should have pushed Jason harder to get therapy. I failed him.

I just keep thinking he can't really be gone.
How can I have life without him in it, I loved him so much.

Something I swore off of Wine. There is a bottle on the counter from earlier in week when some of Jason's friends were over. It is calling my name.
My husband is at call at the hospital, he won't know if I have some.