I am off meds for more than a year. Meds made me very suicidal. Twice I was ambulance d to the hospital. The third time they lock me up. This was the 2nd time they locked me up.

I know I can't have a normal life like normal people are having. Eg. I recently realize that my wife who loves me very much can never even begin to understand what I am going through and how much I suffer. I have tried all sorts of ways, even with physical violence to no avail, I don't want to go in detail.

Recently I asked myself what to I get out of by trying to get her to understand my suffering. Why do I need that? I realized that there is a need in my humanity that there are people who cares about me and my suffering. I know that I can't have my need met by demanding that she understands me, but I know that she can a least know that I am suffering. I can have this need met.

So I told here that I need to know that I know that she knows I am suffering. Now when she is around me I feel comforted.

I am now toying with an idea I can use psychosis to create my own reality of my life with connections to practical reality. I already have 2 imaginary friend(voices) that are helping me. What is the worst that can happen?