I'm sorry you feel this way. I've been there a lot and I've managed to pull myself out of it by trying to find meaning and importance in my life. I pushed myself to get through college and I found a career that satisfies me. When I get depressed, I still get all the hopeless feelings and feel like I am worthless and everything I do is completely pointless. I just tell myself that it is the depression that makes me feel that way and it would be a great tragedy if I were to act on these feelings. I come to realize that I don't want to die when I depressed, I just don't want to feel that overwhelming sensation of despair and hopelessness. I think your T might be right about going inpatient. If you feel like there is nothing more to live for after your son graduates then you should do something to protect yourself from harm. Have you thought about getting a new T? It sounds like things are shaky between you two and maybe he has given up. I think if you hurt yourself it will end your pain, but it will be devastating to your family. Your son is an adult soon, but he still needs a mother. I lost my father when I was 18 and my mother wasn't in my life all that much. I made a lot of mistakes that could been avoided if I had someone to talk to, but I felt alone. Having depression and on top of that grieving the loss of a father was almost too much. If my father tried to killed himself instead of having a heart attack, I don't think I could have emotionally dealt with that. If you can't live for yourself at least least hang on for them and try and get help and keep yourself safe.