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I am not afflicted w/your disease, but my disorder was ruining my life. I have metaphorically dipped my toe back in the water from time to time and I have gotten away w/it. I have not dived in though. Even so, I felt rotten after each time because it was a betrayal of the people that love me and the big investment they have made in me. I admit that I miss the highs. When I think of the highs, I have trained myself to think of the joys I now have, the damage I caused and the severe depression that is made worse by self-hate. I have a life w/lots of people in it now who do love me. Over time, I have forgotten exactly how the highs feel. I have sat here now thinking of them and they were the best of times and the worst of times. I could almost drop my life as it is in a heartbeat. Then I think of my family and I won't.
Maybe you cannot dip your toe in the water w/your disease and pull back. I take benzos so maybe that is too different. It is a lot mind control for me too. I did some horrible things. I hurt a lot of people very badly. I was a wrecker. If that is not true of you, I can see how the dilemma would be greater. You are so young too that maybe you do not have so many regrets yet.
I wonder if I should even comment on this thread. Maybe the circumstances are very different. -GC
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By Grace Claire - because Grace and Claire were both taken
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