to save from typing an entire novel ill basically try to jot things down and focus on where I am now..

always had trouble keeping my interests on one thing, id get super excited about something and then a month or two later the interest wouold fade and id move on - i kinda feel like my whole life is half finished projects

didnt graduate highschool, same thing there, hold interest and do exceptionally well for a while, then entirely lose it and fail.

I started working and decided it was good for me because it "kept" me going. I started at the bottom and over a few years worked myself up to the top really. I make great money and it is actually a profession I enjoy, I'd even call it a career at this point.

About two years ago I got into codeine, and things started getting worse. I had always smoked a lot of weed and drank a lot. Things started slowly, but I eventually started showing up late a lot, and missing hours, and then the financial problems started.. fast forward a bit and I was missing days, even whole weeks at a time as I struggled either with withdrawals wanting to stop and not being able to function or just not feeling like it.. I tried to get help there and got some but have largely like everytrhing it seems in my life to have done it myself..

basically at this point I am off the drugs, Ive stopped smoking weed about 3 months ago and I never drink and as of today I am even 3 weeks without smoking cigarettes.. but I am also like 30k in debt, I am barely going to work, I have no phone, my car was reposessed, I am barely mananging to make rent and I am eating like total ****.. the answer is to keep going to work but I just cant do it. my sleeping is all over the place, I have absolutely no drive or desire for anything. I have no one to go to nowhere to turn, and I cant even call the doctor to make an appointment for anything even though I know itll be larglely useless like it has in my life in the past..

Ill go through a week where I manage to wake up ontime and get to work and I feel great and stuff, but then the weekend comes and ive got nothing to do and I just sleep and then I dont wake up and then I feel like **** from not waking up and instead of just getting up and rushing to work ill move like mollasses until 2 or 3 hours goes by and then I make up some reason to just not go

I really dont know what to do, I dont even have any money in my pocket or a way to even go to the hospital and say I want to kill myself and need help.

the only way I get to work now is because I figured out how to take the bus for free in my area, and the only reason I still have a job is because of family relations, the fact that I am damn ****ing good at what I do and they literally can't replace me and that I owe them money too for help i got over the past year or so.

I just dont have any drive or ambition for anything, even stuff I want to do at this point. I can day dream and envision, but when it comes to doing I just feel like I cant.. like even making food to eat or shower or get out of bed seems daunting

im going to end up on the street soon

like I said I cant even call a help line or make an appointment to see a doc, and i really need help NOW and I dont have time to go see a doc and get a referral and then spend 4 sessions over 2 months figuring out what is wrong.. the only way I can do anything is to make a call from work, but even then I just kinda feel like its pointless.

by all means I should probably feel suicidal but im not, i probably should be, I know the simple answer to all of my problems is to just go to work full time and crawl out of the whole but it all just seems impossible and pointless and i just cant bring myself to do anything.

i really dont know what to do, im considering making the 2 or 3 hour walk to the hospital tomorrow, but even then i dont know wtf theyd do or if theyd do anything to help, pretty sure their mental health ward is referral only. I just feel like there is no help out there for anyone unless theyre already in the streets or are ready to kill themselves. I almost wish I could kill myself, but Id probably lose interest half way there :/

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