My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.

He said okay, you're ugly too.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.

He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

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My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

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I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'