Ok so I had an extremely emotional blowout this weekend. The details of which are really not important. Just that I lost it for a bit and really had some issues. Ended up having some rum, yes, self medicated, I realize this but keep in mind it's not like I got blasted or something. Actually a single bacardi and coke was all it took to calm me down. heck i wasn't even buzzing but I realize it's not something I want to make a habit of doing. I don't typically drink much.

While in the midst of my emotional breakdown I found myself telling friends in chat that I just plain needed a doctor. I wanted to (prior to the alcohol) "bust something". I dont' typically act on those feelings and I didn't at this time either but I felt it. I wanted to punch something, break soemthing... anything to release the raging monster that was screaming for release.

I don't get this bad very often but I realize I am very volatile at those times and if it were bad enough I get destructive. What I mean is destructive in that I really hurt people emotionally in this mode and mentally sometimes. I don't mean physically but.. its destructive nonetheless. Even in my enraged, anxious state, I realized I need help. I need something. I need a professional.

As I said in my title... there's a "but" in there. I refuse to be medicated. I have been there and done that for 10+ years of my life and I look back at how I was and there is no going back. I was numb, unfeeling and mostly a zombie. Sure I was less emotional and one might be tempted to say stable but at what cost? I wasn't even very alive IMO. I can't do that again. Even with my emotional outbreaks, I would not give up my emotions again. I just want to learn to cope and control them naturally. Is there such a thing? Is there a non-pill-pushing doctor out there? I'm sick of doctors in the sense that every one of them has just looked at the symptoms and wanted to mask them. Even dealt with one that had the mindset "I don't like labeling, let's just take care of the symptoms" crap. No, I want a solution. I want real help. Direct me to the right Therapist instead but don't drug me.

Is there such a doctor? Anyone know? Anyone feel the same way as me?