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1tash1. I’ve read all of your posts in this thread. I wonder, have you gone back and re-read them? How do you feel about what you’ve written over the months? I know it is important for you to move forward, but the thing about history is if we do not learn from our mistakes we are bound to repeat them. It is difficult to look the mistakes we’ve made in the eye and take responsibility for them. I’ve lived this life you see. As a child of an alcoholic and then as the wife of one. My husband has been sober for 15 years and my father 28 years at the time of his death. I avoid alcohol because I have seen the destruction that is has done to my entire family.
Some of your posts scream to me as the child of an alcoholic and some of them as a wife. This is a support site and I will give you support to the best of my abilities.
First the positive. I was 12 years old when my father realized that while he could stop drinking, the emotional roller coaster he was on would not end without professional help. At that time that meant inpatient treatment at a rehab center for over 2 months. I do not know why they changed things, everyone that my father was in rehab with at that time successfully battled their demon alcohol. I digress sorry. At a time when alcoholic to most people meant: bum on sleeping on the street that could not hold a job, family etc I knew differently. I knew it was a disease. I knew even then that my father was not in control the alcohol was. He was a very respected, very successful man. People could not believe it when he sought treatment. For many it was because they sat next to him drink for drink and it perhaps put a spotlight on their own behavior. Digress again! Sorry. But here is what I want you to know as a child of a functioning alcoholic: I never blamed my father. I blamed my mother. You see, she was not under the influence of alcohol. She was in her right mind. The love she had for my father allowed her, my brother and me to endure those abuses. Lest you think the physical abuse was the worst part, I am here to tell you welts go down, bruises heal, but those words spoken in a drunken rage haunt us all to this day. I said this was the positive part right? Well here it is. I have never been so proud of anyone or respected anymore in my entire life as I did when my father took responsibility for all of the destruction he caused. He did not blame his upbringing (being raised by wolves would have been an upgrade), he did not blame his high stress job or anything else. HE TOOK RESPONSIBILITIY and he gave us a heartfelt apology. It was not easy seeing my father humble. To this day he is still the strongest, most noble incredible man I have ever met. But by taking responsibility he acknowledged all that he had put us through. Words cannot express how much that meant to me, even as a 12 year old child if I ever was one. On the other hand, I still have issues with my mother because she has never acknowledged her part in that mess. She was/is happy to blame it on the alcohol and not address the fact she should have walked out the door to protect her children! As a mother I will never understand that choice.
I’ve ranted quite a bit, and I suspect I could rant a lot more! But this is a support site and the very best advice I can give you based on your posts is that life is not a competition or a war for people to take sides. At some point you have to accept the mistakes you’ve made and even the consequences for them. Although your children who may have made bad choices based upon the life they led need to make good decisions as well. You can only blame so much on the way you were raised. My brother and I are polar opposites. He took the negative and became a negative person. Drinking bad choices etc. I took the negative and learned what NOT to do. I know how life should have been and did my very best to create that environment for my own children. I’ve made my own mistakes to be sure.
Please consider this: what happened before did not work. It’s not a matter of how you were raised, how your wife was raised, the population of your family, who’s to blame, etc. There is no blame, there is no fault. There is only learning and moving forward.
I have been unable to address the issues between you and your wife for a reason. I have been unable to formulate a supportive way of stating my opinion. I ask you this. Please listen to what she said without making excuses, being defensive, or formulating your response. Listen to what she says, it sounds like it has taken a long time for either you to hear her or for her to be able communicate. Listen, HEAR, think, think again (what is she trying to tell you, if you cannot figure it out ASK) then respond.
I wish you and your family health, happiness and peace.
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I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children.
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