Saw Pdoc today. We talked. She seemed concerned. She upped by zyprexa by double what it was, saying it should've worked by upping it by one pill and weird that it hasn't, and told me to have a friend hold all my meds for a week until I see her again. Its either that or inpatient. So my friend now has all my meds. I get to keep my pill box of my daily meds. Ugh. I really hate this. I want to cry. I am at a restaurant with the friend who is taking the meds. He's buying me lunch. Music is playing. Ice tea. Pdoc is pregnant, too, and somehow though I am sui I miss having life in me like that. How did I get here? I'm supposed to email pdoc to say my friend has the pills. Oh how I still wish I had them. I could still buy some. I miss the wind. I want to sleep outside in the cold naked against nothing but that cold, bitter wind, until I am one with pain.