I'll echo what Harley said. Whatever happened was NOT your fault. Try not to blame yourself for it and try not to punish yourself for it.

As for being alone at 38. I'm afraid I don't know the best solution to that as I'm 40 and suffering with the same issue. Most times, I can bear it, but at times it can hit me hard and I feel really down and withdrawn.

I've got a plan to try and join a local hobby group. On someone else's suggestion on another thread, I'm going to look into volunteering for something in the local area. Have a think about something social you may want to do. I'm hoping that getting out will help the feelings of loneliness go away a bit, if Lady Luck is on my side.