Hopefully the extra zyprexa will help. I'm proud of you for being wise enough to know that you needed to give your meds to your friend.

Just keep hanging on. Do you have a therapist? Maybe you can schedule an extra session while you're waiting for the zyprexa to take effect?

You're not "nutso". Lots of bipolar patients think about sui even when they're not depressed. I've been having urges myself for the past three weeks, despite being mostly on the manic side of things. It's simply a part of the illness, not a judgment on your character.

Take care, and if the urges get really intense, please consider inpatient again. Stay safe!