I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I'm also sorry you're being so hard on yourself. I was irritated that some "professionls" told you you can't be helped. Just because they didn't know how, doesn't mean it can't be done. It says more about their inabilities than you. Try not to let quacks take away your hope. If I had been told there wasn't any hope for me I don't know how I would have moved forward. It's pretty difficult to get out of depression when some moron tells you there isn't any hope. There's always hope. I'm actually impressed you get to church at all. If you keep plugging along a solution will appear. As far as cutting yourself off from people. I've been pretty much doing that for years, off and on, except for a few people I e-mail. I gave myself permission to do that. I needed to step back and feel safe. I keep in touch here and sometimes with a few people I trust. I'm getting to a place of being able to reach out again, but I needed a break, time to heal. The point is if I get on myself it only makes things worse. Try to be gentle with yourself. I'm sure you'll get through this. You're obviously working very hard and you're doing a lot of things right. Good luck to you! Annie