i havnt even begun to share my story..

you know I find it pretty ironic that whatever it is that plagues me, that makes me indecisive and have no drive, is exactly waht is keeping me from killing myself. i dont see anything getting better for me, I didnt before and I still dont. Ive managed to kick several drug addictions on my own but things have gotten WORSE for me.

Ill get some money thursday from the week I managed to put in at work, which will go to the rest of rent i owe and wahtever leftover food I can buy. I managed to do well the one week, but the only way I did it was because I woke up at 3am on monday and decided I should stay up. I didnt get to work until 9am because thats how lnog it took me to get around to leaving (1hour 'commute' by bus).. and I managed to keep things goinglike that for the whole week, and I felt good, going to bed at 10pm, waking up 6 hours later refreshed, even though it was 4am.. but i needed hours to get out of bed and eat and get ready to leave anyway... im so lucky my work situation is as flexible as it is, I dont know what id do, i would surely have been fired at any other job or situation, and this makes things even harder on me bcause I just fail them time and time again.. my word is useless, I may absolutely mean something today but it only matters to make things okay today and in the moment.. it sounds like pure drug addict talk but ive been 100% sober for months! today I am officailly 3 weeks clean from cigarettes as well.. this is insanity. So anyway the weekend came, and I've literally nothing to do. I have no friends, no family, no outside hobbies, I sleep as much as I can to avoid waking hours. and thats when my sleep gets ****ed, and I end up waking up at 6pm on monday, and its too late to go to work, but i cant sleep until the morning and I dread staying up a day and a half to fix it like I would need to, I dread it more than anything so the cycle continunes and I miss work for a week...

my whole life is just up and down and up and down and I cant do anything about it

like I said I have no car, I have no money, and I DO NOT HAVE A PHONE. I CANT EVEN CALL 911. The only way i can call anyone is if i do it from work. but everything is closed by 5pm, so that means id have to call during the day, and im not going to do that because eveyrone around would hear. that and I see it as largely ****ing pointless. Even if I call the mental health clinic at the local hospital they need a referral from a regular doctor, and I can't get to my regular doctor anymore since I dont have a car. my only option at this point is really to go in and say im suicidal to get any immediate help, but id probably be held there, and even all that aside, I cant even GET to the hospital. its an 8km walk there, google maps says 2 hours. LOL. and to be honest I just made a 2km walk to the store to steal a can of cream of mushroom so I had something to eat, and that took me well over 30 mins with all the ice and slush we have here at the moment

i just dont know what to do

i really dont