If you don't want to take meds, just stay away from the pdocs. I have found that T's don't push drugs, (especially if they know you've "been there/done that" so you might want to make another effort at finding one to help you with your stuff. In fact, I went for a long time without meds because my T didn't suggest it. When she did, I usec my PCP to get on anti-depressants.

I get them from a pdoc now because I can't imagine not being on meds. I'm on Effexor and it helps tremendously, at least at taking the edge off, and removing the attachment between thinking about sui and actually doing it. None of the benzos (Klono, Xanax, Valium, atavan, etc.) worked on me at all. Actually, I have to qualify: the Effexor helps with the depression, but it does little for my BPD symptoms, especially the anger. I talked to my pdoc about it, and he said he would put me on lithium for the BPD. I don't think I'm going to go there, though, lithium just sounds scary to me.

Sorry, I rambled a bit.