optimize990h "I don't know if you just need to get it all out or are you trying to find your way to a place of hope."

Trying to find my way to a place of hope cause right now I just don't see anything. I'm taking your advice though, I'm working on finding out how to get a therapist.

cryingoutloud1 "whats the reason for the sabatog of the relationships you have/had?"

I wish I knew. I really do. As I said, I think it's because my brain is priming itself for permanent destruction and eliminating any reasons not to.

"Do you think a job would help your self-esteem ?"

It would, but I can't work. I really can't and no one seems to believe me. From the depression, the anxiety, the issues with sleep it all adds up into this insurmountable object.

Despite what you may think I really don't have a problem socially at all. I have a large amount of what most people would consider friends. I'm not stunted or anything but I think I'm emotionally juvenile if I'm being honest.

jitters "Not sure if I'm about to do that thing you didn't want people to do.."

No. It's when people take over and start talking about themselves and completely ignore what you've written.

I took to heart your paragraph but the thing is time doesn't matter with me. I used to write horrible emails to people in the heat of the moment and quickly came to realize if I just wait until the next morning even I would come to my senses. The problem is that time is no longer a factor. I can wait 2 months to talk to someone but once we start talking again after a week it's back to same old same old problems. I might need to work harder at gaining perspective though so I'll definitely think of that next time and come here for support.

I had never heard of an attachment disorder but I know it's ridiculous to hold onto a relationship that lasted under a month for 8 years so it's worth looking into.

I have more to say but I can't formulate the words tonight. Maybe tomorrow will bring a fresh flow of thoughts I can write out in coherent sentences.