My Support Forums - View Single Post - Where to draw the line with boundary issues/physical abuse

04:55 AM

I'm relatively new here and don't often get the chance to post but I've recently had a crisis situation and am looking for some support. I've got a wonderful therapist who is helping me through this but I'm curious if anyone else might have some advice for me.

I've been in a relationship with my fiance for three years now. We've both experienced past sexual (and in his case also physical) and emotional abuse. Our relationship was and generally is very loving and satisfactory but we have been through some rough patches when I told him that I have been raped as an adult and sexually abused as a child. There was a period of time when he blamed me for my rape, started fights about it, etc. This was about two years ago. These fights would often happen drunk and would end with one of us verbally or physically abusing one another. I had a talk with him about the fights and we agreed to a few ground rules, as in no hitting or verbal abuse and no fighting while drinking. It went well for a year but now I'm seeing the patterns return.

I have gotten help and am no longer engaging in these types of fights but recently my partner has not respected my personal space or desire to be alone when I feel like fights are getting heated. This culminated in one incident where he was drunk and tried to prevent me from leaving the house by grabbing my arms. I wasn't hurt but there are bruises and I don't know how to deal with this issue. I'm frankly scared to bring it up because I was abusive physically as well in the past but I have gotten help and have stopped any abusive behavior.

I also just want to know where I should draw the line. Should I talk to him? He was drunk at the time and has not acknowledged putting his hands on me and I don't know if I should mention it. What kinds of precautions and boundaries should I set for us and for myself? I don't want to leave and the relationship has gotten much better (i.e. no abusive issues for over a year up till now). He doesn't want to seek therapy individually or as a couple so what else can I do? I also just get the feeling that he really doesn't understand how big a deal this is for me considering how much worse things have been in the past.

Thank you.