Recently my best friend who I've grown distant from, told me a hard truth:

That my anger was affecting her, and that this was why she hadn't wanted to be around me anymore.

She wanted me to heal, but she realized she couldn't fix my anger by trying to be my therapist.

I told her she was right, and though I had some angry feelings towards her because of some things we hadn't worked out fully, it was more of this deep universal depressing anger that had been plagueing me for a long time.

In highschool I was isolated, I only had her as a friend, and a few acquaintances, and I felt very depressed sometimes. But this anger is something new.

In the past year since I left my first college, I have become horribly angry with myself (failure to overcome the failings of that college), my mother (for being happy with her boyfriend, religion, etc...) and random people who played no part... My mother and I were close when I was 12, 13, 14, but around highschool we began to grow apart: I was critical of her, very upset in the divorce but unable to reconcile my understanding that she and dad would be happier, with my regret for what was lost...

When I returned from college (where I had been living) to spend a semester at home while figuring my life out, I lived with her and hated her for her distance to everything I did: She was living her life, with her boyfriend, and it seemed like she wanted me home but she didn't care much what I did.

I know this is distorted, but this is how I felt, how I feel. And she is somewhat indifferent. It is in her nature to demand something beyond motherhood: she acts and she writes, loves kids but is not solely a mother, and she had stayed at home during our childhood (something I think she may have resented slightly). Now she's free, sort of, or could be if she let me and my brothers move on and live with dad or wherever. She could be an actress....or a writer....

So I detest her, I feel this deep anger for a sort of hypocrisy, and yet I'm hypocritical and miserable: I want independence, and I want her to be more like my mom.
And the anger goes deeper, to feelings of self resentment, failure, inability to cope, inability to make friends, inability to feel good around people my age (early 20s). The scariest times are everything seems to go dark around me, and not even a beautiful day or my cats can make me smile, and I go around, unable to cry even, feeling this urge to go underwater and stay there. Or curl up in the pitch dark. I have sat on the floor feeling helpless with tears falling down, and a blank numb feeling and this inability to move...and sometimes I just don't get up in the morning.

And some days I'm absolutely fine and dandy: I get up, take a walk or do some yoga, read a book, eat breakfast go to school, talk, laugh, come home.
And then I can think of something, like what am I doing with my life? And suddenly there it is again: that weight. the numbness. the gutteral anger, churning, whatever.

These feelings validate me right? I'm not just creating this, am I? I've always been imaginative...and sometimes I think it's just a state of mind... but how can it just be that if I'm thinking such horrible things? I was never treated badly in my childhood, unless you call being ignored by classmates bad treatment. I grew to think that I was boring. I began to hate myself. Isn't that something that requires help to get through? And how can I reconcile with my mother, when I'm so angry with her I could spit?