This sounds so complicated. Are you in therapy now? Surely would be a good time to be, if it's possible. It must be so difficult to sort out the feelings of wanting to love your daddy the way the little girl in all of us wants to, with the anger for what he did. So much confusion sounds perfectly normal to me!

I'm so sorry you have to go through pain now.

Emmy

"Language is a Trojan horse by which the universe gets into the mind. ." -- Hugh Kenner