There are so many things about me that don't feel okay. Some are things that I can't change, and some are things that I don't want to change, but feel guilty for not wanting to change.

<UL><LI>I am white. It isn't cool not to be a minority these days. I can't help it though. I tell myself that I wasn't part of the opression that happened in the U.S. My ancestors came to the U.S. less than 60 years ago (on one side of the family). They were poor where they came from (Norway), and came here because after the war, life looked pretty bleak for them. But since I'm Scandinavian, not only am I white, but I am very light. When I took multicultural classes, I tried to claim that I am bicultural too, since I am first-generation American, and my culture of inheritance is different in some ways. But it's still European, so it doesn't count. In fact, I am quite thoroughly European-American, and that seems to be a bad thing somehow.
<LI> I am a member of the predominant religion where I live. I am not from here, and coming to this state was a culture-shock for me too. One of the reasons I came here was because I wanted to see what it was like to be part of the majority. I did experience some religious persecution (not a lot, but I was exposed to people making fun of my beliefs and members of my faith), and I wanted to get away from that. I have lived in places where it had within a few years been illegal to belong to my church. In one state (yes, in the U.S.) there was a state law that said that members of my church could be executed just for being who we are. That law was not repealed until 1976. I often get the impression that people want me to be ashamed of my beliefs, but I am not. It seems like it would be more okay to be unashamed of this if I still lived in a place where I was in the minority.
<LI>I don't belong in the 21st Century. The worldwide communication that we have is wonderful, and I don't know what I would do without that. But I don't fit with the modern way of life. It scares me that most people do not even know how to provide for their own basic needs, and don't care to be involved in it anyway. I like having animals, and fruit trees, and space around me. Most people find the animals a nuisance, and I was surprised to find that non-fruiting trees are preferred for gardening, as fruit makes a mess. I don't want neighbors too close because they would tend to be annoyed by the way I want to live. Does that make me antisocial?
<LI>I couldn't do the stay-at-home mom routine.
<LI>I will probably never quite get where I would like to in a career because of the years I took off trying to be a stay-at-home mom. Now I am locked into a path that will take me closer to what I want to do, but not quite, and it will probably limit me from going on.
<LI>My income isn't enough to provide enough to my family to be worth the time that I am unavailable to them. It isn't enough to raise our standard of living much. And I feel bad for wanting a higher standard of living, while at the same time I feel inferior because most of the people around me seem to be so far above me, and I shouldn't be noticing that.[/list]I could put more here. I've probably posted these questions before, too. I'm not getting anything done, and I'm running out of time, but I can't think about what I need to right now. It seems not okay for me to feel bad for myself, or to break out of feeling bad for myself. It seems like I am just supposed to be stuck. But that isn't okay either. I can't win.

Rap