I need to talk to someone. I had the worst therapy session. It hasn't been good for quite a few months because I felt she was saying all the wrong things at the wrong time and it felt like she didn't really care that I was really struggling outside therapy (especially the aftermath of therapy).

I brought all this up several times but nothing changed. I would go to the session, we'd argue or I'd feel we were arguing, I'd leave feeling horrific and then wash, rinse, repeat the next session. Finally she told me that she was feeling pressured by me to be everything and that she did feel the need to seperate herself from me. I'm glad she admitted that something was going on but it still hurts that I made her feel this way.

I told her that I needed a break because I couldn't keep doing things over and over with the way things were - sure we'd talk about what was going on but it wouldn't actually change anything. I wanted a break for that reason (because I was tired), but also because I felt bad for asking so much of her, and because I guess I was/am angry that she couldn't either be what I need her to be or she couldn't help me find a way of dealing with the intensity of that need. I don't know what else to do and in life this is what I do, I withdraw. I try and try but eventually it is too much. It hurts too much to say explicitly I need help but not receive it...or not feel I am receiving it. I am angry somewhere inside, I don't want to have to withdraw but I can only feel as though I'm banging my head against a wall so many times...thinking about it now, I can't keep trying because I can't keep feeling rejected. I want her to love me so much, and rationally I know she can't, but...I can't explain it very well.

She told me that I don't want to change, that I don't want to accept she is human and not perfect. I have told her a billion times that I wish she was perfect because then I'd feel safe and I feel so unsafe all the time...I don't know how to go about changing this...she is right I can't accept she is human because humans are fickle, they change, they say they love you then they hurt you and I get soo confused about whether I should feel the love or not because when will it be taken away/hurt me??! It is too scary. She said that I go into psychotic distortions where I retreat into being 'bad' so I don't have to accept any good in the other person (or me) even if it is only just a little good. It is true, I can't accept a little because that is scary....when will it leave?! When I do feel it, when it is gone that hurts a lot. And it isn't just 'not there', it is 'gone' (if that makes sense). I'm not okay with her being human, I don't know how to be, I don't know how anyone feels it is enough or safe.

I understand these are past distortions even when they feel like the absolute truth. But I don't know how to keep moving forward when this keeps happening. I want to trust, I really do, but I can't... She said I don't hear her properly because I can sometimes tell her I hear two versions of what she says...but then I don't know how to know which one is the truth? How do I keep safe if what I hear and feel is a distortion? I have tried hard for 4 years to keep going back to sort out all our issues, it isn't that I am not committed. It takes repetition...but how do I cope with the pain in the meantime...that's all my problem has been, I just don't want to be continually self-medicating to cope with therapy.

I feel lost. Everyone says that the worst times are when a person experiences the most change, but right now, tonight, I still have my distortions and I feel she is angry at me, disappointed and telling me that I am causing all my pain....which unconsciously I guess I am. I want to change, I don't want to feel scared all the time anymore, I want to appreciate what I'm offered even if it isn't everything I want. It is awful feeling so selfish inside, I hide it from most everyone else in my life.

I feel very bad and very lost but I'm not even sure I'm allowed to feel that because does that mean I'm being a victim? I hate people being angry at me, and I hate me being angry at them. I hate the volatile nature of humans, apparently just because someone is angry at me doesn't mean they don't still care about me...but that doesn't compute for me. I literally don't 'get it' on a really basic level.

This is so long, and exposing and terrifying. I feel I need to be more than who I am. My therapist ended saying that maybe we just need to accept that I am where I am and if I can't then I can't. I can accept that, I know I can't be 3 steps ahead of where I am, but all I wanted was some relief from the pain I'm in when I am where I am. I feel that I don't deserve that, but I'm pretty sure that is a distortion too...