Hellion, I can understand your frustration, believe me I was really "bad" myself and often could not even function. I came to PC alot and I was constantly giving out positive thoughts or looked for anything I could think about "one thought at a time".
Anxiety? ugh, it was bad, really bad but coming to PC helped me with it some because again my mind was not so much on me but whatever I posted to.

I would read everything I said the day before when I came on PC each day. I read over my thoughts and posts to make sure I was making sense. I didn't have a therapist for a while either. I could not seem to find one that specialized in PTSD that I could afford either. I don't know how I did it but I worked my business too.
I also had to keep taking care of the farm too. I took naps everyday because the PTSD exhausted me. I had to take Klonopin at night to sleep and stop the flashbacks from waking me up at night too. There were a couple of times I had a job scheduled and my husband had to do it for me because I was too bad to drive. I had to be awake and aware and in control to drive because I was always hauling a horse trailer with an animal that loved and trusted me.

When I came to PC to post, alot of my posts were long and racing, often I left out words too. I got triggered quite a few times at PC and many times considered leaving, but I made myself hang on. I began to pay attention to everything that triggered me, and really thought about connecting the dots to why I was so triggered.
I was not really me alot, I was me but I never triggered before like I was triggering.

I didn't get better either, instead I got worse, I began to have flashbacks that crippling and confusing and in some of them I was very young too. I grew deeper into PTSD too, and began to think no one would ever understand how bad I was struggling, and my family didn't understand and so, I hid alot in my room tbh. I got even worse and began to have really dangerous thoughts too. I had a lot of anger that I didn't know what to do with either. I thought my family would be better off without me because I was "such a burden" that is how they made me feel.

I didn't let on at PC how bad I really was either. I was afraid that would ruin whatever positive I could give here. I gave everyone else here what I needed so badly myself. I felt so horrible that it made me feel sad for others, and I knew how lonely it was for them.

I read so much about PTSD, I wanted to know why I was sooo bad too. I wanted to find ways to fight it too. I didn't want to visit the depression forum because I didn't want to read the negetive chants because I was fighting the PTSD depression too, but I didn't want to think about it.

Yes, pushing myself "out of my comfort zone" was agony at times. I was not feeling well either so I went to see my GP, but I asked for a different GP because the one I had always embarassed me. So they gave me a GP who wanted me to let a trainee examine me too. I said, "No, not today, it is not a good day" and they kept pushing it, but I kept saying the same thing over again. When they left the room, I sunk into a flashback where my older brother and a neighbor dragged me into a shed and took off all my clothes, I was only about three and so frightened. After that I wanted so badly to run out of that office, but I made myself stay, but with all my being I wanted to run out of that office. I have not been back since either.

I didn't talk about any of my big bad challenges here, it would ruin my being "positive' and helping others somehow, and I needed to be "positive". A few times when I did open up, there were some members that "made comments and didn't believe me".

I finally found a T and I had a lot to tell him. But for a long time I would not talk about my childhood. When I did, it opened up the floodgates to more "flashbacks".
And when my husband heard about these events, he got angry and then I wanted to "avoid" him even more.

Hellion, it was very "hard work" every single day, every minute of every single day.
I would have a few days where I would feel better too, like I didn't have it somehow, and then I would sink back into it just like you are saying, like I was starting all over again. But I kept at it, therapy, and thinking and coming here and trying to do whatever work I could.

Then, I started to feel like I woke up somehow and that was strange. I got to expand the better days and sometimes it would last a week or until I got triggered. I got so I didn't want to do the Klonopin either because I felt that was also adding to the cycles. I would not take it during the day unless I got really bad or had a bad flashback which drained me like a vampire.

My therapist wanted me to increase the dose, but there was no way I could function or work taking it as recommended. So, I weaned myself off of it, then I had to learn to sleep without it, and that was very hard because I did have night terrors. I had to find ways to deal with the anxiety attacks without it, and that was not easy either. I did find that if I took a nap, not really sleep, but let my mind totally relax, it calmed me and my T taught me some soothing methods too. I have been working at learning how to calm down more and more and I have really been gaining.

I could go on and on about how bad I was challenged, so many things that happened that really aggrivated the PTSD badly too.

I am not "all better" Hellion, I am still working at it, but I am way better than last year even, so I know I am gaining on it. I am going to keep at it, and reading and learning and slowly stepping out of my comfort zone too. Yeah, its work, its hard, but I don't want to go back to being the way I was, I want to do better.