Quote:
Originally Posted by 1tash1
now I hate myself I am home glad but destroyed binge drinking from the pain I feel I have done for god sake I have lost one daughter cause of this she now lives else were, cuts me like a knife when I come home and she is not here I am lost I feel lost I am in limbo with my feelings I have no idea what to do I am a complete wreak in my head, lost a grate friend over this I ust to talk to she was a girl so did make it awkward but at-least she had 19 years of experience but not cool I am married I get that I really do so that has went away now I am alone alone in my head just taking each day one at a time I feel so helpless inside but I am trying to move forward but seems I am at a stand still. I drink I relax I cry that is my typical evening everyday for last few weeks.....
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1tash,
You said some things today that caught my eye. I just want to be sure that I understand what you're saying.
Since moving back into the house, you feel like things are a bit surreal. While you're there physically, you aren't truly there emotionally. Things have changed in the household, and you aren't real comfortable. You aren't sure why this is ~ and you miss having that young girl friend as a part of your life. It sounds as though you feel that your friend was supportive to you, she made things more clear to you. And now, you're confused about how you truly feel about your wife. How will you know that she's being her true self? You now drink for relaxation and then you cry. Pretty much daily.
Is this right?
The drinking shouts out to me. While you may not be drinking to a drunken stupor, it is still a part of your life. You aren't going to be able to get into a clear state of mind until you get those drinks out of your life
completely.
Why do you suppose the drink (or two) lets you relax, which then leads to tears?? What thought/s go across your mind right before tears strike? Is it guilt and shame? Or frustration that things haven't been fixed yet, with some resentment towards your wife (for not speaking up w/you years ago & being honest)?
Fixing the core issues always becomes complicated by drinking.
Always! That is one of the reasons why sobriety has to be done completely. When we drink, our perspective becomes skewed & while we may think that we're being completely honest and reasonable, tons of studies have shown that we actually aren't. It's going to be really tough to figure out how you truly feel about your wife and your future as a married couple ~ maybe your fear is what's compelling you to start drinking again.
But, these difficult feelings can't be worked through like this. Your post just really sounds like a cry out for help to me.
My advice: Move back out and work upon yourself until you have a sense of confidence in who you are, what you want, and feel ready to bond with your wife (or ready to let go). But you have to be completely sober before you'll be able to go farther in the relationship. Right now just isn't fair to you or her.
I hope that this helps you.