I have / had a close family too but I choose my husband and son over my family because of these types of issues. I'm very glad you are treating her like family (as my family does with my husband) but she may feel like an outsider with all the negativity surrounding who she is as a person. I'm very glad you are trying your best.

Yes your son is going to get crappy pay (about $9 hr.) but it's salary so far less than that. That's ridiculously low pay for his job but it is a decent income and most families I know can/do live on income lower than that or military incomes. He'll also get BHA. He has chosen that field and yes as a Military wife you understand the difficulty. It is her belief that woman stay in the home. As much as you don't agree with it that's how they want their family unit. (If you PM me I can give you some $ tips for them.)

As for living on an income and needs vs. wants that skill comes with time whether it's individually or as a couple. IMHO, it is not his right to tell her No. She is not his child and that is joint money.

She wants to live here with us after they’re married while my son is deployed overseas. As for living with you I'd charge rent (So, you can have a cushion when your son is in a tight spot) and require her to attend Community college / vocational school (full time, all three semesters) for the length of time he's deployed. That way she can get child care degree. At-home childcare is a career that fits the military, her religious believes, provides more income into the house-hold and is good for future children She can also take a finance class or two and a cooking minor. You may possibly ask her to get a part-time job in a "woman's field" as she will not be having children under your roof.

I understand choosing to live in poverty is hard for parents to digest but trust that you raised him well and that he knows what will make him happy. I'm sorry that your going through this hopefully with time she'll grow into a partner that you want your son to have. I know several spoiled children that grew fast once becoming military wives.