I can't accept she is human because humans are fickle, they change, they say they love you then they hurt you and I get soo confused about whether I should feel the love or not because when will it be taken away/hurt me??!

She said that I go into psychotic distortions where I retreat into being 'bad' so I don't have to accept any good in the other person (or me) even if it is only just a little good. It is true, I can't accept a little because that is scary....when will it leave?! When I do feel it, when it is gone that hurts a lot. And it isn't just 'not there', it is 'gone' (if that makes sense). I'm not okay with her being human, I don't know how to be, I don't know how anyone feels it is enough or safe.

She said I don't hear her properly because I can sometimes tell her I hear two versions of what she says...but then I don't know how to know which one is the truth? How do I keep safe if what I hear and feel is a distortion?

how do I cope with the pain in the meantime

I don't want to feel scared all the time anymore, I want to appreciate what I'm offered even if it isn't everything I want.

I hate people being angry at me, and I hate me being angry at them. I hate the volatile nature of humans, apparently just because someone is angry at me doesn't mean they don't still care about me...but that doesn't compute for me. I literally don't 'get it' on a really basic level.

all I wanted was some relief from the pain I'm in when I am where I am. I feel that I don't deserve that, but I'm pretty sure that is a distortion too...