Some of you have read a few posts of mine on the relationship section. I really need to talk now because I think I may be losing my marbles. I need help. Tomorrow morning I will be driving to the city to find a psychologist or psychiatrist, whichever we need. Here is my story:

I have been married for almost 10 years, my second marriage. We have been together for 15 years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship (my husband has always only tolerated her and the 2 of them don't see eye to eye) and have also been married before. I raised my daughter alone for the first 10 years of her life. We have a close bond. My husband's son came to live with us 2 years ago. For the first approx. 10 years of our marriage I have had a steady work and a good income. Since we have moved abroad I do not have a steady income anymore. My contribution to the household is not a financial one but rather a domestic/personal one. Until recently I had a studio (I am a photographer) and had a reasonable income but still did not contribute to the household. I used my earnings as pocket money when going on holiday or for beautifying the house. Previously, when I held down a full time job I did contribute whatever I could and my daughters financial requirements were my responsibility. We have always had this 'my money/your money' scenario. Probably because we have your children and my children. We are now again living in a different country where I am trying to start my career again. This is not the big issue though, I am only trying to sketch a bit of a background to what is happening in my house at the moment.
My husband has always seemed a bit depressed but more so since we are living abroad. He complains about not being valued, being under appreciated in his job, underpaid etc etc. He complains about me not supporting him in his dream of having a game lodge in Africa. He actually wants me to live the dream with him and do the necessary courses so that I can 'qualify' as a game ranger, etc. I love wildlife, I love to photograph it, I don't even object to living in the bush, as long as I can get to the city every now and then. I need to be around people more than he does. He blames me now for his unhappiness, he says I am the one who is making him unhappy. So I answered with the usual, no person can make another unhappy, you are either an unhappy soul or not. I tried to explain that at all the places I followed him with his work I have always made a life and good times for myself. He has been the one who complains about the job, made no friends etc. He says I am making him unhappy because I am not sharing in his dream. I reiterated that a personal dream is a personal thing. My dream is to have a wedding venue with a difference, where I could do photography to heart's content and also make a difference to someone's special day. If I have to do this on a game lodge, so be it. I tried to explain to him that he needs to follow his dream and that his dream should not be dependent on me supporting it or not. I don't expect him to support me every day in my dreams. He is basically saying that if I don't support him in his dream then it is the end of our marriage.

So now I am at a cross road. This man is driving me crazy and to drink. He has finished a bottle of Gin in 1 week (and me a bottle of wine), he is a beer drinker, so Gin is very very strange indeed. I know I sound ratty, but my goodness I don't know what to do anymore.

I come home tonight after shopping. He is sitting in the kitchen with his son talking and looking very pleasant. Smiling etc. As soon as he saw me his face went into a spleen mode, it looked like all he has has died and gone away. It is hard to explain, but I imagine people in Palestine who have lost everything looks like that. So later on I asked him why he looks like that and he says he does not want to talk. I asked him why he did not look like that around his son and his response was that his son does not cause him the kind of misery I do. So of course I asked what kind of misery I cause him and he said he does not want to talk about it. Well I am confused. His son has caused him major problems in the past, flunked school, drugs, sex, problems with own mom etc. He seems to be a nice kid though, always polite, says goodnight etc. Just now I went to the kitchen, he was there putting his dinner plate in the dishwasher. He has this habit of sighing, so I asked him why he always deep sighs like that, I said usually people who have a lot on their minds do that, people who are weighed down by problems do that. He said people of his starsign do that (never heard that one before). So I said well people of his startsign and mine are suppose to get on extremely well. Why don't we? He just said he does not know. Poor kid is squished between his dad's emotions and living in a place that is so-so and cannot really go back to living with his mom and living with a 'stepmom' who does not understand what teenage boys are all about.

But this is not the issue here, the problem is my husband who seems depressed but I do not know enough about the signs of depression to be able to tell. He treats me like ******, talks down to me, tries to bully me, would not let me stay one week extra on holiday to spend the time with family and friends, tells me we have to find a cheaper place to live but still wants to drive the expensive car. It boggles my mind, I really think I am the one losing it.

What am I missing here. I do need help.

I really do appreciate you listening, it is much better than talking with myself.