And I return after brief mental breakdown...
Okay, the thing that helped me the most through highschool was focusing on one person that talked to me during the day, sometimes even just looked at me (preferably someone I respected). At the end of the day I would think to myself about how they would feel if I killed myself. I knew most of them probably wouldn't miss me. But what mattered to me is that they would probably question themselves and feel some sort of guilt for most of their life. Should I have seen something? Is there something I should have said? WHat if I had just talked to them? Did I make a difference? Did I push them over the edge? Is there anything I could have done? The 'what if's', 'should I's', 'did I's' are endless. When something happens to someone you are in contact with (not even liked or are friends with), the natural response is questioning your part in it. I don't want them to face that. My desire to die has nothing to do with the people around me, and I don't ever want any of them to feel like they even might have done something wrong, or even just missed the chance to do something right. Many people would have known they did nothing to push me over the edge, but they would still have wondered if they could have stopped it. I really would encourage you to consider medication though. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you smart, to know when you need some extra help.