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I never ever want my son to be in the position of choosing his wife or the rest of his family. My husband and I have also been in that position so I know the heartache and resentment it can cause.
I agree with you entirely that she is his wife and not his child. I cannot tell you how much this grates on my nerves. Her mother is a real piece of work. This is how she grew up. Dad calls the shots so that mom does not have to take any responsibility for any decisions. Whether I like it or not, that is the relationship that they will have to have until she grows up a little bit. My son will never be a tyrant. In fact quite the opposite, I fear he will make some bad financial decisions in the meantime just to make her happy. He has to be able to tell himself no when it comes to her as well.
She is part of the family; I could never charge her rent any more than I could charge any of my other children. This is their home, they are always welcome here no questions asked. I do however expect my son to take this into consideration when he is setting up his accounts. I also immediately told him there must be two, one for her to have some spending money and one to make sure that they have money to set up a household once he returns. He’s pretty financially savvy, except when it comes to her. At 18 years old he set up two retirement accounts. My major concern is her ability to open credit card accounts while he is overseas. Her mother has already been whispering in her ear about this. This could affect his security clearance. He’s already giving up a fabulous opportunity to get married; I do not want her lack of experience to inadvertently cause him more hardships. For the record, I know that this was 100% his choice. HE gave it up.
It is difficult for me to wrap my head around this notion of having a man support you. With the exception of when my husband was in the military, he has always made more money than I have, much more. But it isn’t the amount that is an issue, I never had less of a say because I made less money. My mother worked, my grandmother worked, my great-grandmother worked. My daughter is a full time grad student, has a full time job, a part time job and her internship. In my family it’s what you do to help support your family. We are strong independent women. My frustration, and his, is that they’ve been planning on getting married for the last two years. Right now she has no other obligations. This is the time to squirrel it away to make a nest egg. It’s not the money; it is the utter lack of any effort to achieve your goals. I know I keep comparing her to me, but I was also a young wife. But I prepared to be married. My major Christmas present when I was 17 was a Microwave (a big deal in 1985). I was filling my hope chest with linens, towels, dishes, silverware, pots and pans.
I guess I just question her dedication to this marriage. In our family divorce is not an option. A commitment means something. New is not better it is just a new set of problems. In her family relationships are disposable. If you’re not happy you move on. Her family tree is like Sherwood forest on both sides. Her mother has three older children from other marriages. One child she adopted from her last marriage, once her marriage was over so was the relationship with her adopted daughter. A girl she raised from a toddler for 8 years!!! Her father has several children with several previous wives. We were at dinner once, and my daughter says to FDIL “hey isn’t that your sister over there (from her father’s last marriage).” FDIL says “I think so, we don’t really know each other.” They are SIX years apart in age! How do you not KNOW you’re sister? We live in a rural area. Population less than 1,000! Her older sisters from her mother all have at least two children by different men.
She really is a sweet girl. It’s not her fault she was raised by wolves. Simple things we take for granted amaze her. We went out for dinner another time (without the son she’s marrying) and his twin asked to stop at the comic book store because he was reading some series with an alternate universe. I don’t know. I asked him what the difference between the two of them was, he explained. Hubby made a few comments about the differences from when he read them. Oldest son voiced his opinion, daughter weighed in (there is a great war between Spiderman vs. Batman in our family it’s a thing). The whole conversation took less than five minutes. When he came out I asked if they had what he was looking for. Conversation over. When my son called her later that evening to ask how dinner went, FDIL was amazed at how interested we were in our children and what they were into. She went on and on for an hour on a five minute conversation. Son called me later to ask what happened. I had no idea what he was talking about. This is just everyday life for us.
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I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children.
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