I found this post on another depression forum and I totally relate to it. I can never articulate how I feel but this person really hit the nail on the head so here it is:
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Ever since I was 13 (I'm 18 now), I've felt detached from the world. It's progressively gotten worse, whether that's from stress or what, I'm not sure. Recently, it's spiraled downwards. I've told lies, I've done things I'm not proud of, and it's finally catching back up to me. And I finally realize that I don't even barely recall doing these things. This is how it feels:Physically, emotionally, and mentally, I'm just gone. I'm not me. I'm just like a ghost almost; just walking around, not even alive. Sometimes I want to just fade away like a ghost though, just that easily. I just want to fade away until nobody remembers who I am. and sometimes, I wish that after I fade away, I can start over somewhere completely new.But other times, I wouldn't mind fading away and never even remembering myself, if that makes any sense; just to not exist at all anymore. So then, I wouldn't have to kill myself and hurt anyone. Granted, I couldn't kill myself because what's stopping me is knowing I'd be killing so many loved ones. I just want to disappear slowly. That's pretty much what I've done though, on the inside. But on the outside, I'm stilll here and hurting people. I feel crazy. I feel like I'm lost. Like, on the inside, I'm screaming to get out and get help. For someone to pull me out of this hell hole, but on the outside, my body just does what it wants and just goes through the motions because it has to to survive. Nobody would ever have to see how badly I need help if I didn't let them. I can't help it though. I've always felt this way. I feel so detached from everything and it's like I'm trying to get out and wake myself up, but then I realize... I'm already awake.
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I'm the same age and have felt this way since I was 13 also. I just feel crazy like I'm being irrational. I do not want to be on medicine because I was on an antidepressant before and I feel like there's s stigma attached to that. Even my family treated me kinda different. I don't want to know that I can't handle life. My mom says that everyone goes through this and life sucks but you just have to be strong and deal with it. Because life isn't easy. But I just feel like I can't do it, I feel everything that person described. And yes i feel detached, but it's not depersonalization disorder (just so no one suggests that). i feel detached as a symptom of my depression.
What do I do? I already see a therapist. I can't bring myself to tell her or my mom or anything. Btw I'm not suicidal, I just think sometimes that my family would be better without me because I'm just miserable and I don't want to die, but I don't necessarily want to live either. But I don't self harm or anything like that. I'm just completely numb..