Maybe. It is hard to tell. I wish she wasn't so defensive when I am angry at her because deep down I know I'm trying to say something important but I just don't know what it is or how to say it. I really wish she could help me figure out what I need to say that is so important I feel I need to force it upon her to feel 'heard'. It is exhausting for me to continually behave in this way. I have told her that when I'm angry it usually means I'm scared; so it upsets me when she still reacts defensively. But then again, is that me wanting to control her because she doesn't react exactly how I want her to? She says that is how it feels, she feels she can't say anything 'right' sometimes...I understand I'm not easy, I acknowledge I create these types of situations and I do want to control her (almost to defuse her like a bomb and make her safe) and I know this is what makes all of my relationships difficult because I can't force people to be what I need them to be...But I only wish she could see how difficult it is to feel that out of control and how much I desperately want her to take control. But then, may be she is but I'm too distorted to feel it? How can I know?!


I think she does accept that I am where I am, but I think it is overwhelming for me when she doesn't help me be able to deal with the intensity of my feelings created in therapy. I tell her about harming myself, suicidal thoughts etc, and I know she cares but I have to go away and hold it together week after week. I know this is my responsibility...I think I'm just exhausted. Sometimes I ask myself to be reasonable, I think - "what could she do to help?" and I genuinely don't know...actually it is too hard to think about this topic any further right now because I am so lucky in life yet still feel this way continually.

Sometimes I do wish that there was someone I could rely on...but that is my exact issue - trust - so what do I really expect?!


It seems that she believes the only way for me to become unstuck is to keep going through therapy, keep repeating all my issues until what she says does sink in. I really want to ask her (and in fact have but I can't remember the answer!) - "how do I know if I'm repeating but through the pain will be progress or if all I'm doing is being traumatised?" It feel like the latter at the moment but that might just be the pain of progress.

I don't think CBT is the right therapy for me. I feel quite aware of my thoughts and can even acknowledge that they aren't always helpful/logical, but I think I'm Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde! I have totally different opposite thoughts/feelings from one moment to the next.


Do you think this isn't a 'me' issue? I really want someone to step up to the plate but I think I need to learn this is a unrealistic expectation. Or I need to change what this means to me because I think I need too much. I've tried to need less but then I get stuck not being authentic, but being authentic drives people away. I feel I'm continually trying to figure out what I should expect and cope with grief of it not being up to scratch. My therapist thinks to expect someone to be perfect is 'mad' and on an adult day to day level I agree, humans are humans and will make mistakes, but deeper down when imperfection means feeling so unsafe it feels as though I could potentially die (as that is how scary it feels), I have to demand it. And it is so shameful to admit that it is that level of fear when I have no reason to be fearful...I have no idea how I became this scared!

I am sorry this is so long again. I wanted to talk to family about it all tonight but the person who would listen is ill and the other has avoided it for some reason or another. I'm not very good at saying I need someone to give me a few minutes and that I need them to care...so I end up being silent and crying on my own. This is my fault, I should ask but it is so hard when they know I need them but they can't find the time (or whatever real reason it is...which might be that I've not asked!).

Thank you, everyone, for listening, caring and supporting me.