It won't be like that forever, but I know how hard it is to hang on in the mean time. Writing brings up big feelings for me too. Maybe you need to work on how to manage in the in between time before you turn to writing?

Early on in therapy, my T asked me to notice five positive things each day. Ridiculous right, five? She obviously noticed my face and told me to notice three things. At that point there was nothing. The things I eventually noticed, even if only one each day (at best) felt like they were lies (because they didn't make me happy and they didn't seem very positive), but I tried to notice them anyway. They were things that once made me happy. A sunny day, a cat sitting on my lap purring, someone smiling at me, time outside on my own, all really little things. It was a long time before they became positive things again, but sometimes doing the little things like that are really important. Even if you have to force yourself to do whatever little positive things you need to do, even if it seems pointless, I really think it's worth doing.

I can hear how much pain you're in. I really recognise it and I still move in and out of it often now, but it's not like before, when that was all there was left in my life. But you know what, things can be really, really bad and we can still hold on and make it out the other side. When other people feel something similar to what we know so well, it's something we can really see and understand. The people who can understand, reach out and help others are valuable (as in, what you said in reply to me made me feel heard and understood when I've been struggling with feeling invisible). I don't think even my T really gets this level of pain. So do look after yourself. You are worth it and things will get better.