coming up on 23 years of marriage and the last few have been pretty rocky. I had gone into therapy to deal with stress, anxiety, and depression after a blowup with my wife where she told me to "go fix myself". Was in therapy solo for awhile but more blowups turned it from my sessions into marriage counseling with both my wife and me. We've been out of counseling for a few months due to health issues of the therapist but she should be back to work in a couple weeks. I am not an emotionally expressive person. I'm not sure if what I'm am doing is wrong or if my wife is a bi-polar narcissist who wants our relationship to be like teenagers in love. We just had a blowup where I tried to explain my feelings to her about how she makes me feel - big mistake. She had stopped wearing a wedding/engagement ring after one of our blowups but she had stopped wearing our actual wedding/engagement ring because of weight gain so she used various costume pieces as those and that's what she took off. I did not notice that she stopped wearing them because I don't really consider the costume pieces wedding rings and I did not realize that she stopped wearing them because she symbolically left me. After i started to "fix myself" things got better and she got another ring for me to put on her and I felt that this was manipulative. I should not have told her I felt that way. I should not tell her that I feel that she takes and takes and never gives. Whenever I tell her how I feel - it ends up that my feelings are incorrect and that I'm hurting her by feeling this way. She says she can't actually leave me because she has nowhere to go - her mother lives a mile away in a house by herself but she really doesn't get along with her mother - and of course, that's because of her mother. She can't seem to work even though we can't pay our bills even though I work long hours at a job I hate and make enough that we should be able to live well on. She doesn't understand when I say its not that I want her to get a job, its that I want her to truly believe that she should be helping with finances somehow. She makes tons of jewelry that she doesn't sell. She spends long hours volunteering in PTA (past president in each school and then president of presidents) and is now a member of the School Board. All of this is not paid but takes extensive time and dedication and she does it well. I worry a lot. I live my entire live to please others and that is what therapy has been helping me with - understanding that i don't have to be perfect for people to like me and that I can do things for myself and that I am worth something for who I am. I've not actually made it to really believing any of those things but I'm working on it. I feel like I'm drowning and with this latest blowup I have no idea what to do. She says she wants me to let her go and that she wants to leave but can't. I'm certainly not going to leave my home and family - I believe my girls rely on me for some sanity - but I'm probably delusional about that as well. My older daughter is doing auditions for college and she specifically wants me to take her to the auditions because I don't make her nuts like her mother does - I feel that i provide a environment that is supportive and where they can do their own thing and know that I will be there but my wife provides a somewhat stressful environment for some reason. Can't tell her that though. Also, she says she doesn't just take take take but how can she says she wants to leave me and then still live in the house that I pay for, ask me to fix her computers, drive the cars I pay for and insure, and not see that as taking. I give these things freely and while I worry and struggle to pay for them I do not expect anything - its part of my role - its what I do. Below are some emails that she started the thread after we tried to talk and it went nowhere so apparently she felt email was better - btw - I'm the one that goes to her to try to talk only to continue to be beaten over the head and given no way to make anything better - at least that I can see.

Emails:
from my wife
So. You think that in order to move forward you would have to "acquiesce" to my "bullying". The fact that you are not capable of apologizing for hurting me...even now that the perceived "attack" is over is what is a huge problem. You are just going to keep on hurting me and hurting me and hurting me...and keep on telling me that it is my problem that I am not happy and too bad. You are entitled to your feelings. My feelings express a desire to be with the man that I loved and I married in a good solid marriage where love isn't implied but expressed. The feelings you express are all about what a pain in the *** I am and how I expect everything to be perfect and how you felt manipulated because I put a ring back on my finger are all very hurtful...And you say them again and again and don't see anything wrong in saying these things and in saying anything different you feel that you would be acquiescing. You don't even see anything wrong with that. But you want me to take blame for causing trouble because i want what I want from this marriage. There is an impasse here. I thought we made progress in therapy...this is the same **** as before.

You have expressed nothing different or differently. This is not about a checklist or a test...this is about how your actions make me feel. For days all we have had is small talk and talking about the house and the car and the kids. On Valentine's Day...a day I know that means nothing to you...you choose to say a few words and then walk out of the room. Go ahead...say "Here she goes again...it wasn't good enough." Problem is...this has happened before on a Valentine's Day. It hurt me then. And you keep doing the same thing again and again...even after going through it before. Same old story. It is not that it wasn't good enough...it was the same as before. Nice of you to not want me to have nothing for Valentine's Day...you only showed me that I don't.

my response
I have repeatedly apologized for hurting you. I will apologize again. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry that I fail at meeting your needs although I try and try. I don't want you to hurt, I want you to be happy and safe and comfortable and to feel loved. I'm sorry that I fail at that. I cannot express my feelings very well and you know that and I'm sorry for that as well. Hurting you is the last thing in the world that I would want to do. You are a wonderful person that just wants to be loved and I'm sorry that I fail at that and I'm sorry that I hurt such a wonderful person who wants nothing more than to be happy and loved. You deserve much better than me although I'm trying to learn to express my feelings. I guess I'm just not trying hard enough and I'm failing at that as well and for that I am sorry. I'm sorry that I've said anything bad about you and clearly you don't manipulate or bully - you have needs that I am not meeting and your hurt and I respond poorly to the criticism and for that I am sorry and I'm sorry for the hurt that those things cause you. My problems are not with you - my problems are with me and for that I am sorry. I'm sorry that my problems with me end up hurting you. As I said, hurting you is the furthest thing from what I want to do and I'm sorry that I hurt you. I will go back to therapy as soon as she returns - supposedly near the end of Feb. I'm sorry that Valentines is not my favorite day because I feel its a fake holiday and instead I should consider your feelings and do what I can to make it a special day for you just like I should make every day a special day for you. I'm sorry that I allow the worries of trying to provide for the family to cloud my feelings. Again that is something that I need help with and I'm sorry for that.

her response

You have NOT repeatedly apologized for these most recent events...you have very far from apologized and just simply continued to twist the knife. Enough with the word "fail". Backtracking now to tell me how "wonderful" I am is just empty words.

You miss the point about Valentine's Day. I can respect your feelings about it being a forced Hallmark holiday...that would all be well and good if love was expressed openly all throughout the year. But when you don't get that and don't even get it on the designated day because your partner doesn't want to get forced into it you question what the true feelings of your partner is. We have been through this before. Which is why your timing today was almost mocking of me...at least the ring thing meant something to me...Valentine's Day means nothing to you. My request is that you do things from the heart...should I have to ask for this???? I feel that i have begged for this...which translates to you as the needy ***** stuff...I am not a Princess ( as you have craftily pointed out). Everyday in my life does not have to be "special". We had a situation with Sam that I was so happy that we handled together as a team...and I said that before...we are usually good at parenting together. And I thanked you for that. But moving on to the two of us...you have no other needs from me other than cooking and cleaning and laundry and contributing to the household...all of which I am admittedly not that great at. I would love you to the end of the earth...but you don't need that from me either. I need that from you...I thought you had figured that out. But I have learned in a horrible way that this is only a drain on you and something you resent. Lines from songs...my love don't cost a thing...i don't know much, but I know I love you and that may be all there is to know...There are others but i don't really care to shove more **** down your throat.

I was getting more notice from others than from you. I dyed my hair and you didn't even ****ing notice. And Sue said with a wink wink...oh look at you...Eric loves it when you are a redhead...HA...HA...HA. Loves it? Didn't notice. Why should he?

When things were going well i would post and email cute things and you wouldn't respond at all...fine ignore me. But come to me and comment when i make a cute remark about being a Princess. You want leeway????? Never even bothered me until you told me that I don't cut you a break. I was so happy things were on the right path...who cares if you don't respond.

But there is a straw that breaks the camel's back. Things that are let go suddenly matter. Because you question your own judgement as to whether or not you should have overlooked certain ****.

You either feel or not. You love or not. Our financial situation never colors how i feel for you. Not the same for yourself or how you feel for me. Sad.

I explained in Joanne's office that expectations from a relationship with your husband are much different than expectations from others. This is not a domestic issue but an emotional one. If you are not able to understand that difference I understand...but I can no longer live my life this way. Plain and simple. Hire a housekeeper and/or a nanny and/or a hooker. They can meet all your needs without the emotional garbage. And leave me to live a life where I can find someone who can express to me that I am more than a drain and yet convenience in their life.

Worrying about providing for our family is not what led us into this ****ing abyss...according to you it was me turning something positive into something negative and WTF is that. Party on dude...your world is just fine. Your meals will be made and your laundry will be done...thank you for providing for me as best you can...I really do appreciate it. Apparently we have failed each other but I am the only one left in sorrow that we live together alone.

another response from her
And once again I ask you...because you need to assess this for yourself. Is it more of an effort for you to show affection and love than it has been for you to hold back from it since I "left you". Be honest to yourself about it...i know what the answer is. "i can't make you love me if you don't...i can't make your heart feel something it won't..."

I imagine this time has been quite easy on you...while I try to exist without the man who was supposed to love me but instead resents me and tiptoes around me I raje what I can get. i

my responses
In my way I show my affection and love in everything that I do. I'm sorry that this is not enough. As I said I'm sorry I allow the daily pressures of life cloud my feelings. I'm sorry and I will be back in therapy soon.
As for the time being quite easy on me, no, you are all that I have and you have abandoned me and destroyed my world. I merely exist at this point. I am lost and I do not know what to do and my world is crashing into a pile of ****. I am aware that this is of my own doing and I have no one to blame but myself.
I am sorry.
and
Clearly you are right and I must not have apologized and for that I am sorry as well. I'm sorry for thinking that I did apologize. I'm sorry that you feel that my apologies are empty because they are not - I truly am sorry that I do not meet your needs.