Oh, poop.

I woke up this morning with a headache (which is getting to be a normal thing), thinking, "Why am I here? What am I supposed to do with my life? I'm supposed to feel grateful for each day, but when I wake up I think, 'Crap! Another day to live through?'"

Then I walked to the bathroom, took some Excedrin, and as I was about to walk out of the bathroom and back to my room to put an hour on my alarm and sleep some more (even though I'm not tired), this thought hit me for the first time ever --

What am I going to be doing 10 years from now? This same exact thing? I can't keep doing this for 10 years. I'm almost 47. In 10 years, I'll be almost 57. Will I still be wandering aimlessly through life, ignored by my son, with no close friends, with no one to love, wondering how I'll pay my bills, wondering why I'm on this earth, dreading each day?

Instead of putting an hour on my phone's alarm and going back to sleep, I put 15 minutes on the alarm and decided to lie in bed and pray my "thankfuls" to God. You know -- Pray and list all of the things I'm thankful for.

Sometimes it brings me out of the funk. Sometimes it makes me realize I really am lucky compared to others. Other times, it reminds me that my life really is pathetic. Sometimes I fall asleep again.

Like I said, in 10 years I will be about to turn 57.

My son will be 31 and will have been out on his own for 10 years.

My mom will be 85. Her mom lived to 91. My mom is currently a very active, healthy 75. The kind of 75-year-old that people do not believe is really that old. So I have no doubt she will live past 90 unless some kind of accident happens. I would say that she would live that long just to be mean and controlling to me, but we are getting along better than we ever have right now.

My house will be about 5 years from being paid for by then. I never thought I would be in this house for the entire 30-year mortgage time. We moved in when my son was a little boy. I thought I would spend a few years here, meet someone, get married, move to a bigger house, and have one or two more kids.

Will I still be getting jobs, keeping them for a little while, and then getting fired for stuff related to bipolar?

Will I still be going in and out of treatment/meds based on whether or not I have insurance through a job and can afford to pay for the meds and doctor visits if I'm out of insurance again?

Will I still be dreaming of "someday my business will take off and I'll be making a difference in people's lives and making decent money" but not pushing myself to take the steps that will get me on that path?

Will I still wake up dreading the day and wondering how I'll spend the hours until it's time to sleep again, then doing it all over again the next day?

Last night, after I got out of the movie, I sat in my car. Just sat there in the dark. I was thinking about how I have no place to be at any particular time, no one waiting for me, no one wondering where I was or how I was doing, all the freedom in the world to spend my time how I want to spend it yet I don't know what to do with it and feel like it has no meaning.

I'm so blah today. Forgive me for yet another whiney post.