I am not into BDSM. When I have sex I want to be loved gently and treasured. Having said that I do not have much perspective, but there is one red flag that I noticed. Some of your abuse was nonconsensual. As you gained self esteem, it seemed that it had less attraction for you. Can it be that you really want attention and are willing to take it from anyone who gives it to you, negative or otherwise? It sounds like your relationship on him is on the verge of turning dangerous. You must ask yourself if that is what you want for a life time.