i feel like i'm going nuts, i just feel so tensed up and angry and memories from the past keep on playing in myself. i keep trying to remind myself i'm safe from my childhood now, that i have control now, but damn they are such bad memories i feel like i spent the majority of childhood and teenage years emotionally dead and only now have i come back to live and it STILL HURTS THAT I HAD TO GO THRU IT ALL DAMNIT!!! i hate my mother, mainly because she is soooo blind to all the hurt she has caused me. or do i just hate her illness? i dunno, cuz i dunno wat she's like underneath the illness, the bad stuff has been so strong. i feel like self-harming to let all the frustration out. but i'm experimenting with punching a pillow instead. it's amazing how long and how hardi can keep pounding the damn for...i really don't wanna SI, and i'm determined not too, but i'm afraid i mite just to get it out of my mind.