tonight, i feel as though i need to cry, but the tears just cant flow. i was led in bed and i could feel the pressure behind my eyes and in my chest that i normally get if i cry, but i cant just cant release any tears right now, and i dont know why!

ive tried singing, that helps. when i sing i pour my heart and soul into the words that i sing and usually that helps, but its1:20am here and everyones in bed, so i cant sing. i might anyway though, however selfish that might be.

i just need to cry, i can feel the pressure and want to release it, i know i wont be able to sleep until its released.

the sooner i am back to my normal self the better. i have been low for days now, but i havent cried, so i think thonight all the pressure has built up and i just need to release it.

i will try to explain the best i can, so try if you will to picture this...
say you have a full bottle of water, adn you tip the bottle upside down with the lid off, all the water tries to flow out of the lid but because the space is limited, it cant all flow at the same time. thats how it feels for me right now, if you see what i mean. theres so much pressure that it cant all be released, and thats stopped it flowing completely.

i feel constantly ill too! ive just had 3 weeks off work due to an injured shoulder, and tonight i have a really sore throat, so i hope its nothing and that it will be gone tomorrow. i feel run-down. like i need a break, a holiday. im trying ot take as best care of mysell as i possibly can but it just doesnt seem to be good enough, i am missing something big in my life and my whole mood lately is affecting my singing, i want to book lessons but just dont feel up to it. i feel distant from my true self and i cant seem to find me. now i know im not hitting deep depression again, but things are getting heavy on my shoulders and my skies are darkening, like a storm is due, thats why i need to cry, the tears are the raindrops (bit more imagery there).

im going to bed now, and will listen to my MP3 player and sing, except my throat hurts so i doubt i will, dont want to injure it anymore.

im just fed up i suppose. but sorry for the long post, just wanted to vent some stuff. im sure you ll are aware that i havent been myself these past few days so im sure you understand. heres me hoping it passes soon so i can get back in touch with myself and most importantly, the 2 things that mean the world to me: 1. my music and singing, and 2. helping others here, providing support. its part of who i am and so not being able to do it feels as though a big part of me is missing, temporarily.

i will stop moaning now, and thank you for your time reading this.

speak soon

simon