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Originally Posted by ECHOES
 Abby, I have a strong desire for rescue, for others to "fix it!", and especially my T at times. and that if she "fixed it" then she would be doing me a disservice, because what she wants is for me to have that within me, she wants me to be able to feel the power and confidence of the ability to "fix it", and to have gentler and loving feelings toward myself. So then I have that always and forever, and not just when she is there or we are in contact. I love that she said this to me, and it has been helpful, even if I am a skilled backslider. I agree with you, it takes repetition, and it takes as long as it takes.
then love is the "fix", the thing that will fill up that gaping wound once and for all. I told her that it "makes sense" to me that she can "love me well" (to wellness).
We want to 'be one' with our perfect therapist, but the reality is that we are separate, and neither of us is perfect. I hope your T keeps helping you with this, because we can arrive in a place that feels even better than the fantasy we hold tight.
It does hurt and can make a person feel so alone when the intense feelings are there.
Do you know specifically what you wish your T would do to help you? What do you imagine when you think of her helping you with the intense feelings? |
That is exactly what my therapist says, that she can't 'fix it'. When I asked her "why not?" she told me that isn't how it works, and logically I understand that but it frustrates me a lot! But your therapist said she could 'fix it' but that it is best you do it for it to make a real difference? That would make me really angry as it would feel like she was with-holding from me. How do you cope with that when you desperately want her to 'fix it'? I understand the long-term objective (that does sound lovely) but I don't think I could hear that from my therapist without feeling really angry.
I have a big gaping hole inside me that I am searching for someone to fill. I've told my therapist that too. It "makes sense" to me too that person has to exist, I have to believe that because I'm not sure I could live with the alternative. I don't want the reality that I'm a distinct seperate person and that everyone is seperate from everyone else. I hate it! I understand this is a big issue for me because denying reality will only set me up to be hurt when I'm forced to confront it, but I have no idea how to accept it. I do want beyond this fantasy, I am aware it is a fantasy, but I don't want reality. I think I am very stuck!
How do you talk about the intense feelings? I don't feel I can convey them well enough and I think I'm quite articulate in general. Often I sit in silence in therapy when I feel too much because I don't have any words that I can find.
I would like her to ask how I have been coping in the week. Not simply "how have things been since we last spoke?" but a meaningul "I remember you had this to do, how did it go?". Or "when you feel overwhelmed and alone, if I was there I'd notice you even when noone else can - you are not invisible". "Your feelings matter to me". I think I'd hear that more than "I'm alongside you" "I'm interested" which feel very distancing even though I know they likely sound the same to everyone reading this! I have talked to her about her language but I don't think she understands the difference.
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Originally Posted by Sannah
Abby, I think that there is a T out there who can handle your anger. It sounds like you need a rock in your life and this T doesn't seem to be able to do this for you (and family either).
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But maybe there are no rocks in life and that is something I need to accept? I am feeling really disappointed by my family at the moment, their lack of acknowledgement of me in any meaninful way adds to the feeling of being overwhelmed. I understand things are busy but I really wish that someone sat down and wanted to find out how I'm feeling.
I'm not sure if this means that a) my feelings are too much, b) I need to wait till there is time or c) they think I'm able to cope better than I really can.
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Originally Posted by LolaCabanna
Abby this sounds exactly like my XT. I think some of her issues got messed up with mine and it felt like Therapy was causing more harm then good. I'm with many others in saying perhaps you should try another T. One who can contain your emotions and keep their issues out of it. Going to another T was the best thing I could have done for myself and I also went into knowing I would have parental transference and making sure that new T could handle that. |
I'm having a break so going to try and let my feelings calm down a bit then I will try and use some logic/cost-benefit analysis. How did you manage to deal with this situation? How did you disentangle yourself from your exT? Unfortunately her saying that I don't want to change creates a desperate need in me to be "a good girl" and that if only I "tried harder" I would not feel so bad. This is quite an intense feeling at the moment. But somewhere there is a flashing light is going off because I have spoken very openly about how our interaction is effecting me and I think if I had felt this was acknowledged more that superficially I wouldn't have felt the need to pull away from her....so to say I don't want to change is a bit too simplistic and hurtful. There is a difference between 'not wanting to change' and being 'unable to change'. Or does this sound as though I'm making excuses for myself?