Hi all and thanks for reading.. Sandworm here. i trained as a
peer support specialist, which is like a clinical psych with on experience except a 3 month course in how to encourage and support others. Since 1973, i have felt then desire to turn addiction around & work with the disenfranchised and mentally ill (mentally health challenged).

I am in such a horrible mental place right now. My family does not care anything about me, onlys serving their own ego to do what 'they imagine' i need or want. I was in san diego, and miserable working security guard
and from 2008 to 2010 i was dealing with hyper critical bosses that micromanaged everything,.
At home it was one thing or another with roommates or landlady,
Then she kicked me and all others out in January 2012 and I was
on the street until August.
why i was depressed is i had to deal with my ma telling me, "it will work out", "you are not trying hard enough" and others telling me "well, if you need help, don't look at me, go to the shelters or count on family"

I was despondent scrambling 6 am to 2 Am trying to find a place, get more work, keep my car and with nearly no income keep my 1,000 dollar a month expenses paid (credit cards, car insurance, car payments etc).
Always the same baloney, people pointing me back to a relationship with
the toxic mother and claiming i could count on her for 'help' or for
'encouragement' and revival of self-esteem.
Like handing the job of fire chief to an arsonist.
When i was offered to come work at the gold mine in AK i knew it was
bad news. it turned out just the way i expected.
two months of snide comments, underhanded insults, withheld compliments, digging for compliments that would never come or i would
get my head bit off for being 'too needy'.
i could levitate or fly in circles around the camp building and she would
probably tell me to stop goofing around, or ignore me.

My brother gets the praise, he is younger. I DON'T know why.

Lately from October to today, i have had the same thing,
it seems to be the same everywhere. I just am not the type of person
who will get a 'kudo' ...
oh, i get them. but not from people in the know, responsible for my overseeing my work. I know I do well, i do.
Once commended by my supervisor and Account manager for
excellent and outstanding performance on the job (security site).
THAT was the one day of the year I had to call in sick and found
out it had happened , found out after the fact.
Why is it I am praised by my ma in abstensia, or by others and
i seem to get nearly ever a 'praise' atta boy from who I know has
rights to speak, and from someone praising me in something I am pleased with?

Last Wednesday, 12th ?? saw 'T" and my mood was 5 times higher than
usual. but I felt low as a snakes belly or worthless as latrine froth.

I had friend of family offer to have me watch their home while out of town. JUST NOW, they told me not to do so, they would just leave it
unwatched instead.
Man, oh loard, i can not put to words how low and worthless I feel after
near two months of my mom's tight fisted 'well what is it, a competition'
when I start the fire stove up for THEM (not for me)
and my brother gets laurels for tossing a few logs on the fire which
burst to flames. As if god does make junk.
Me.

PLS, do me a favor, don't tell me . .. it will get better, or if I just work
at it my mom will change, or you are so sure I am a good person ...after all, or feel good about me in spite of her.
The world has conspired against me to make me feel I am worthless.
All I hear day in, day out is 'i don't care about what you have to say".
or "don't be so sensitive" when all i want is just once in a season some
kind word or even a "YOU did not screw that up." from someone who has rights to assess my tasks, performance or work quality.

There is no reason for me to pollute this world with my presence, i was born a mistake.
So easy a thing to turn my mood around, and it is too much to ask of
my mother or of community. Life just sucks for me all the time to be so hated and unwanted. for my needs to be so neglected on such a small
thing.

I think, if I could just sleep and wake with the answer of how to
write or speak or reply to my mom and tell her, she is wrong, she *made me feel like dung* and be able to walk away with a feeling i won the
round.
That would make things so much better a million times.
Right now I feel like just going to the bar and blowing
a 19 year stint of sobriety.
Why i post, what I say, just understand pls. I don't know everything. I
don't have a perfect wisdom. i don't know anything... i just am so afraid of
not having an answer (as if I didn't, i would be lambasted)
I WANT that kudos so damn badly. *crys*.

Thanks for letting me talk and share. nothing you say can make one iota
of difference.

Sandworm using my metamood tool just to do something useful today.