Hi Guys,

I'm new here and I'm having a really bad day. Summary: I've been in and out of psych hospitals 4 times now. Current diagnosis: Major Depression with psychotic features. However, on the quest to find out wth is wrong with me I was also diagnosed with scizophrenia (which runs in my family and I'm inclined to believe this is the real problem but I'm no doctor) and bi-polar disorder (all separate trips to the doctor/different doctor's, etc... and all while experiencing psychosis). Anyway, mental illness has ruined my life. I used to have a great job in the Department of Defense industry as an IT contractor. I was/am two classes from completing a masters degree from a top tier university and I can no longer complete it. I'm severely overweight and out of shape, I hate my body, and its really all due to mental illness.

Basically, I had some type of psychotic break after years and years of being severely depressed and it resulted in me taking a leave of absence on my job because I was hospitalized. When I went to return to work, I found there was no position for me so it resulted in me loosing my job (I lost my DoD contract b/c I was out too long but the Dr. wouldn't write me back to work so the company laid me off. I'm in medical debt by $25k + (hospitalizations). While in and out of the hospitals and while psychotic I couldn't do my school work obviously so I had to drop out of my class for that term it resulted in me owing my school $16k (dropping the class made me fall below the financial aid credit minimums and miscommunication from my school made me drop the class rather than take a bad grade) and I have no way to pay it. Sadly, I worked on this Master's degree for two years and only had two classes left to go and it would have been from a top tier university. Now I can't complete my degree. My unemployment is due to run out in March and I have not yet been able to find a job. Not to mention, for so long I wasn't able to look for a job because I was psychotic (hearing voices/seeing things/thinking people were after me). I looked just not seriously because I knew I couldn't handle working (still in and out of the hospital). My credit is trashed from not being able to finance the lifestyle I used to have on an Information Technology professionals salary down to $1200 a month on unemployment. So now I have no home. I live back with my mother because I couldn't pay rent. I had one month left on my lease and after two years of renting from the same person/paying rent on time and explaining the situation he still put an eviction on my credit for one month. I had a 725 credit score with zero negatives prior to getting sick. Like I have the worst luck in the world. My life is ruined. I mean I know these are things that can be obtained again, but its like I did nothing wrong to have these things happen except get sick. I got sick and my life fell apart. I took out student loans for my grad degree, I will have to pay those back in my life, but have no degree to show. All because I got sick. I really feel like crap today, and honestly I've been off my meds for a few days. I'm pretty sick of those pills too and taking pills only to not have anyone be able to tell me what is truly wrong with me. 4 doctors 3 opinions. Two of them agree on major depression with psychosis.

I had an interview for a job and I just knew I was going to get it. So things were looking up. I figured I'd be able to rebuild my life again. It would be hard, but it was a start. The interview went flawlessly, but I didn't get the job and I just spiraled downhill from there. I'm waiting on another company to contact me to tell me if I got the job, but it just feels like life is not letting up on me. I'm in a new city. I have no friends here. No one to talk to. People don't understand what I'm going through. I went to a therapy appointment and I told the lady I almost went to the hospital again after I got contacted about that job because I felt suicidal and that therapy appointment did not help at all. That's another thing when I was psychotic I was committed to a hospital because I basically tried to commit suicide it just didn't work. It feels like everywhere I turn there's something f'd up waiting for me. Am I the only person in the world that feels like this? I feel like the world is passing me by. I feel like I'm dead, not living, and I only exist to breathe. I feel like I had such a bright future waiting for me and a big portion of it was stolen. I mean before all of this happened I was looking to buy a home, now even if I had a job I couldn't even rent an apartment. I feel like so much that I've worked for has been stolen from me and if I was depressed before this happened to make me sick what the hell am I now? I honestly feel like I exist for a reason that is truly unknown to me. No I'm not suicidal now, but i just really want a break.......