Quote:
Originally Posted by precious things
For all my ups and downs with my eating disorder, I have no one outside of my husband, MD and now T who know...there are people who knew when I was anorexic because it became too difficult to hide but no one knows the depths of my struggles or that I still battle it daily. I have always been too scared to go into treatment for it and one reason is the shame and the sense that I can pull through it on my own. I hate being older with what so many people view as a teenage disease.
My last T couldn't handle my disorder when it got really bad last year. I knew I needed someone who seriously understood them inside and out (not saying that is what you need, had old T been supportive and stood by my side I might have stuck it out but I really felt like my physical health was again in jeopardy). This new T still sees patients who are inpatient as well. Even though I've only had a few appts, I don't feel like I have to explain every detail of the disorder, I know he gets it and that is a great relief as I obviously have lots of areas of my life I need to bring him up to speed on. Its also what scares the hell out of me about this therapist--he's already challenging my disorder in a way that I know badly needs to happen, but makes me anxious---like, am I really ready to give this up?
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I know exactly what you're talking about. I turn 40 this coming May and I feel too old to be experiencing this at my age. I've always thought it to be a young persons illness and of course that's not true. And to be honest, I've been dealing with it for over 20 years already- it's just that I've always gotten it back under control on my own. The loss of control that I'm feeling after admitting it to my T this past December, has been overwhelming. Especially because a big part of my ED is that I turn to it when I need to feel like I need control of something in my life. Feeling like I've been in a tailspin for over two months now.
It's been over 20 years of my ED, but it's never been obvious until the last couple of years. I've lost 86 pounds now in the last 2 years. 30 were lost to a severe infection in under 1 month, which then triggered a huge episode for me. But eventually I got it back under control. Now I am underweight and those that know (my dh and T) say that it is obvious by looking at me. My DH says others have commented, but he won't tell me who. Kinda scary to think about, but my T and I are working on it.
My T is working on getting me to admit that I need more help than he is able to give me. This isn't his specialty, but he'll still work on my other mental health issues with me at the same time. The next step is an assessment at an ED clinic. He doesn't want me to wait too long that it becomes an emergency, but it needs to be done soon. Rationally I understand that, it just terrifies me to no end. I'm like you, I don't want it challenged. The anxiety I have with all of this is so powerful, I need to work through it so that I see that I need more help. Food is not my enemy. Food is my fuel to make my body and mind healthy. I'm writing this, but I just can't get myself to believe it.
Sending you more hugs.
This is just so hard. We can get through this, I know we can. We have to start listening to some of the great advice offered to us.